The First Day
I didn't expect her to say yes. I didn't even really want her to say yes, not at first. I mean, who am I kidding? Max Seinburg, the guy who can barely get through a school day without feeling like I'm a ghost walking among the living. I know better than to think someone like her would ever look at someone like me.
Sophie. Sophie Jenkins. Popular. Pretty. She doesn't know I exist, not really. I mean, she's seen me around, I'm sure. Everyone has. But I'm the guy in the back of the room, the one no one talks to unless they have to. You know the type. The invisible kind.
But today, for some dumb reason, I thought maybe, just maybe, it'd be different. It's the first day of the new semester, and I promised myself that I was going to try harder. I was going to be different. So, when I saw Sophie standing there by her locker, chatting with her friends, I took a deep courageous breath and walked up to her. Of course, with tons of hesitation. I couldn't give myself a chance to think about it too much. I had to do it, or I'd chicken out.
"Hey, Sophie," I said, sounding way too stiff even to my own ears. My throat felt dry, like I hadn't spoken in days.
She glanced up, just long enough for me to catch a glimpse of her smile before it faded into that polite, don't-make-me-feel-weird expression she reserves for people she doesn't know well. Or doesn't want to know well.
"Hi, Max," she said, like she was doing me a huge favor by even acknowledging my existence.
I swallowed hard, trying to remember what I had planned to say. My mind was in a mess, but I pushed through. "I was wondering if you... I mean, if you want to maybe, I don't know, hang out sometime? We could... grab a coffee or something."
I don't even know why I thought she'd say yes. Maybe I was hoping she'd see something in me that wasn't just the invisible kid who always sits alone in the cafeteria. Maybe I was hoping she'd say yes to me, for once, and not because she felt sorry for me.
But she didn't.
"No, Max. Sorry. I'm just not interested." She said it so casually, like it was no big deal. Like she was rejecting the idea of coffee and not me.
Her friends snickered behind her, like they weren't even trying to hide it. I could feel my face burning, but I couldn't look away. I couldn't look at her either-couldn't look at the smile she threw back to her friends, couldn't look at how easily she turned her attention to them, like I never even existed.
I just nodded, the only thing I could think to do. "Okay. No problem," I muttered, even though it was a problem. It was always a problem.57th rejection. Noted.
I turned away from them, feeling smaller than I ever had before. I couldn't look at anyone as I walked down the hall. I kept my eyes glued to the floor.
I wish I could say it didn't hurt, that I didn't care, but I did. I always did. Every rejection, every laugh, every time someone made me feel like I wasn't good enough, it always hurt more than I let on.
So I did what I always do. I buried it. I buried the embarrassment, the shame, the deep-down ache that twisted in my chest, and shoved it into the part of my brain I'd created for these kinds of moments. The part that kept me sane by convincing me that it was all just temporary.
But it wasn't temporary. Nothing ever really is.
I made my way to my locker, trying to shake off the sting of Sophie's words, but it stuck with me like superglue. I knew I shouldn't let it bother me. She wasn't the first girl to reject me. She wouldn't be the last. But it always felt like the first time. Every single time.
I fumbled with the combination lock, trying to focus on the numbers. But I couldn't. I could hear their laughter echoing in my head. See the way Sophie's eyes flickered to her friends as if they were the only ones that mattered. And I knew-deep down, I always knew-that I'd never be the one they noticed. Not Sophie, not anyone.
And that's what killed me the most. The idea that I'd never really matter to anyone.
I opened my locker with a loud click, not really seeing what was inside. Books. A half-empty water bottle. A crumpled piece of paper with some unfinished homework. It was all just... there. I grabbed what I needed, stuffing everything into my bag without really looking at it.
I wanted to go home. I wanted to crawl under my covers and forget about today. But I knew that wasn't an option. I still had to get through the rest of this hellhole. Still had to survive another day of being the kid everyone rejected.
I slammed my locker shut and stood there for a second, staring at the hallway ahead of me. The place was packed. Kids laughing, talking, hanging out like it was the easiest thing in the world. But none of them saw me. None of them ever did. But there were always many of few friends whom nagged me all day and made me forget those lonely sinking feeling though they are the one who have named me as the world's most rejected boy. It hurts but I can't deny the truth.
I wasn't even sure why I kept trying. Trying to be seen. Trying to be heard.
Maybe one day, I'll figure it out.
But today?
Today, I'm still just Max Seinburg. The guy who always gets rejected.
The guy who's always invisible.
To be continued ....
