Venting (cause why not)

I don't wanna go back

Sunday, November 10th, 11:01pm

I don't wanna go back...

I had a four day weekend due to some convention in my school and all the schools across my state (yes im in the USA), and it was kinda good..and bad. On the good side, I got lots of rest and didn't get project and tests shoved in my face for me to stress abt and my overthinking making it worse.

On the bad side, obviously I didn't bond with my family well, especially my mom, and Ik those arguments will return when school returns. I'm just sick of it all..

The pressure to exceed everyone's expectations as the 'smart kid'...

The amount of stress and shit it takes for me to pull over a couple of assignments

The grades fluctuating, people questioning

Parents on my back

Being a loner and feeling lonely at school (and almost ur entire life irl)

Always relying on the past (I can't remember many good memories from my childhood)

Always being known for being smart and forever just being smart

The anxiety I get when the teacher announces a 'partner assignment' or a presentation

Coming back home only to get yelled at for just not being able to exercise or just being lazy in general

Listening to music while looking out at the window at night bc ik it'll all be just one loop

One big loop of just waking up, listening to music on the bus, going to classes with a smile on my face (while still feeling lonely deep down), coming back after listening to music, procrastinating homework till dead in the morning (cuz i get too tired to do it), instrument practice (i rarely do it), exercise, shower, dishes, and just chilling on my bed watching shows/anime or just being in a bad mood before going to sleep at around 2am

I'm sick of it all

And it sucks bc ik no boy would ever like someone like me, or anyone in general be interested in trying to get to know me at least.

But there's nth that i can do..

Maybe I'll just go back to this one big cycle before i drown in my own sadness and pain

Ik all things are suppose to be temporary, and i've felt deeply sad every so and so since ive started mid school, but this summer made me feel like a depressed person, and i fucking hate it. And every month is worse than before:

August: almost ate one meal for an entire week (I could've went without any meals at all but the headaches were killing me)

September was alright, till I started tennis (the fact that most ppl there were better than me, i was the only newbie, AND i didn't have any friends just worsened my anxiety and loneliness)

October was alright for the first half, but the second half i fucking relapsed bc the loneliness, issues, and stress was too overwhemling and i needed a distraction (no, drawing doesn't work it'll just make my mom think that I'm trying to be a tattoo artist)

Ik november started like almost two weeks ago, but it was fucking miserable too. Almost got kicked out of the house for the night, grades slipped a lil, felt too lazy, stopped talking to all of my friends, either am too overwhelmed or too numb with my emotions and can't feel anything, and these arguments with my mom over the stupidest shit is just not it. Also I almost got all of my devices away bc I spent most of the weekend in my room, which is understandable bc when i sit with my family, both of my parents are working, and my sister is either hogging the tv or bothering me, so there's no point.

I just wanna be happy again :((

(dang this was a long one but I rlly needed to get that off my chest...though the guilt afterwards is killing me help-)