A Lost Faith

Chapter Three: Grey Wardens

Hawke approached Anders quietly, seeing him pacing anxiously in his apothecary. The Grey Warden stared him down from afar, nervous to get close. "So, let me guess. This is the part where you tell me you're an abomination?"

"You're wrong. But not far wrong. I..." He glanced at the woman, who turned her gaze away from him as he looked at him. "This is hard to explain." He looked back at Hawke. "When I was in Amaranthine, I met a spirit of justice who was trapped outside of the fade. We became friends. And he recognized the injustice that mages in Thedas face every day."

"And that's... Different than a demon?"

"It is." The woman spoke, stepping closer to the group.

"Just as demons prey on the deadly sins of mankind, there are good spirits who embody our virtues. Spirits of compassion, fortitude... justice. They are the Maker's first children, and they have all but given up on us."

"This spirit sounds like a useful friend to have."

"He was far better to me than I have been to him. To live outside the Fade, he needed a host. I offered to help him... We were going to work together. Bring justice to every child ever ripped away from his mother to be sent to the circle. But... I guess I had too much anger. Once he was inside me, he... changed."

"What?" The Warden's eyes widened slightly. "Anders what have you done..." She muttered, genuinely shocked.

"So, you have this spirit of justice living in your head?"

"It's not like that. He's gone now."

"What?" Her eyes softened as she looked at him.

"He's part of me. It's not like we can... have a conversation. I feel his thoughts as my own. Not even the greatest scholar could tell you where I end and he begins."

"This is obviously difficult for you," Hawke spoke softly.

"I thought I was helping my friend. He would have... died, I guess. If that even means anything. And he wanted to help me. He knew what mages have suffered."

"You tried to help a friend. Surely no harm can come of that." Bethany began.

"I wish I still had your innocence. There was too much hatred in me. Justice thought he would overcome that. But my anger... When I see templars now, things that have always outraged me, but I could never do anything about... He comes out. And he is no longer my friend Justice. He is a force of vengeance. And he has no grasp of mercy."

"Can Justice ever be separated from you?" Hawke asks honestly.

"I don't think so. The only way a spirit has ever been separated from a living host is by its death." Anders answered, turning to the Grey Warden. She pursed her lips, refusing to speak or add anything. He turned back to the ravenette to continue explaining. "The curse is of my own making. All I can do now is hope to control it. My maps are yours. As am I if you wish me to join your expedition. I thought I was done with the Grey Wardens, but if you have any need of me... I will be waiting here."

Hawke and her small band left the two Wardens alone and Anders quietly turned to face her. "I wanted to tell you."

"Yet you didn't try to."

"I told you that you wouldn't understand." He argued back, seeing her eyes sharpen on him.

"I think I understand less now that I finally found out. Is this why you ran away? Did you think you could make off with a spirit rampaging through your head? Do you understand how dangerous that is, Anders? All these people here could fall victim to that if Justice goes on a rampage down here. What were you thinking?"

"He needed help and I was the only one there to help him." The woman frowned, turning her head away nervously. "I'm sorry, I didn't intend for this to happen. Or for you to find out like this."

"No, it's alright. I should have pried more when I found you. I had been wondering what happened to him, I'm upset that he didn't get to go back to the Fade. He would have been happier there." She sighed and shook her head. "I'll put this passed us, but only because you're the only person here I truly know. And I don't want to be on the other end of the stick if you get angry."

"I would never hurt you." Anders pleaded, looking anxiously into her eyes. She shook her head.

"I know all too well about sayings like that, Anders. You can't confirm what you don't know." She stepped around him and walked to her cot, sitting on the edge of it as she began taking off her armor. Once stripped she rolled her shoulders and untensed her body, feeling the weight of her body as she laid down. The little boy came back over to her and climbed onto her bed, sitting next to her as she peeked over at him, "Yes?"

"Anders made soup, are you hungry?"

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"He asked me to tell you that the food was ready, but yes." He got up and went back to his mother who sat patiently on the bed for him, spoon-feeding him the soup. She sat up as Anders walked over, kneeling to offer her the bowl. She sighed, letting her legs dangle off the bed and her bare feet touch the ground. It sent shivers through her body as the coolness of it bit into her toes, breathing in softly. She turned and watched the mage giving out food to the others, thinking to herself before sighing and eating. Once she finished she laid on her back and rolled onto her side, facing away from the mage.

Anders frowned as he watched her back, seeing the way she breathed as she began to fall asleep. He felt pulled towards her but fought himself back as he grabbed a blanket off of the box beside himself and brought it over, placing it delicately over her shoulders. She sighed softly as she burrowed beneath it for warmth, a smile finding Anders' lips as he walked away to help some of his patients.