𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗜𝗥𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗛𝗘𝗥

𝘐 𝘓𝘖𝘚𝘛 𝘏𝘌𝘙

RUKA

I knew that this affair would come to this.

I felt it.

No matter how hard I tried I would never be with her. I knew that when it was all said and Rita would choose her husband but I couldn't stop fighting.
I had nothing but her to lose anyway.

"Don't talk to me like a therapist. I've been to a therapist and that shit doesn't work for me. It's best to just fuck the pain away. I need you to fuck my pain away."

I begged her.

"We're not going to solve anything by having sex."

"You're wrong."

I told her. 

"I'm going to make you feel so good and you're going to make me promises. You're going to call out my name. It's going to make you realize that you need me more than air. I need this from you. I need to be inside of you. Save me, please."

Sex is my life. Sex corrupted me at a young age and it has continued to corrupt me...

Sex was my addiction. I've cheated and manipulated to get it. But its been my friend for as long as I could remember.

It's been my band-aid for all of the wounds that I had been too much of a coward to repair.

Nothing had ever soothed my hurt more than an orgasm until Pharita.It wasn't simply because she was the best fuck of my life but because I had to fight for her.

From the beginning to the very end I fought for her. I will continue to fight because I loved her. It was ironic that sex brought us together but now sex had become the big thing keeping her away from me.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Ruka, but I don't see how we can make this work."

She croaked fighting back tears.

"We could, if you wanted us to work. Stay with me. I'll go to therapy. We'll talk more and have sex less. We can get married and have habies. We can go on long vacations. I'll sell my clubs. Whatever you want-"

I professed locking my arms even tighter around her. Telling her we'd have less sex might've been a stretch but I was willing to say anything to get her home with me.

"-Ruka, that sounds incredible but.."

"... but you don't love me." I interrupted her.

"Ruka, I lo...- I love S-sunghoon."

She stammered. Of course she does.

He's still inlove with her husband.

I hate when she says she loves that guy.
Every time she did I felt the slim chance I had of being with her fading.

"But you want me?"

I asked acknowledging the shred of hope I had left.

"Yes."

"Then be with me."

"I don't want to hurt you or him anymore. I'm sorry but I..- I love him. He's the love of my life, and my husband. I have to try and repair the damage I've caused."

She kissed me lightly on the lips.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She repeated over and over again until her words smashed together into one horrifying conclusion:

I lost her.

I felt her tears against my cheek.
My chest heaved repressing emotion that I couldn't for the life of me express to her.