Towards the book

I hate myself

Some day I don't know when but seeing that man in the mirror made me want to vomit, he was so disgusting, it felt as if I was melting just staring at him for so long.

Every day, I try to drown out the voices in my head, but when I speak, my own voice just feeds them. I hate hearing myself, and the silence after feels like a cruel relief—at least the voices are louder.

I try to fix the cracks, but it only breaks more. There’s a bowl on the kitchen counter, and I’ve been fixing it with a pick and a hammer. Every time I try, it just cracks further. I don’t know why it hurts to watch it break—it’s just a bowl—but I can’t help it. It feels like I’m watching something that’s me, something I can’t fix.

My parents say there’s something wrong with me. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t. Or maybe some people are just like this. They wouldn’t know—they’ve been trying so hard to perfect themselves that they’ve forgotten who they were before all the fixing.

I truly hate everything about myself as my body weight wasn't enough my awful looks add a bonus.
some people get motivation out of their self hatred but I don't I drown myself in them it's almost comforting being like this, even though I don't want to be like this I just can't change my body won't let me.

people say it's a matter of wanting to change but I try and I try nothing changes, I stop eating, I start exercising, I start eating healthy and I'm still the same.
I've finally given up and there's nothing to change anymore

Some time had passed after I finished this writing
maybe a year or just months
my minds too foggy to actually tell time anymore.

Now it feels like I've changed, something in me has sparked and it isn't hope.
I don't know what it is but I hate it, I hate it so much.

I've been thinking about it and I've decided to make a new book I will be calling it "towards the Book"

By - John

A reminder to everyone, I hate myself.