"Minsang Pagtatangi, Habambuhay na Pighati"

"Sa Isang Sandali"

"Mali bang magmahal,
Mali ba ang mahalin ka? "

   Panimula ko sa aking ginawang tula para kay Freya. Alam ko kasing gustong-gusto nyang magbasa o di kaya'y makikinig sa ganito. Pero kung dati'y napapangiti ko sya sa bawat  salitang binibigkas, ngayon ay tila alaala na lamang ang kanyang mga ngiti.
 

We've been together for 7 years, pero 2 buwan pa lamang mula noong ikasal kami. Naaalala kong masaya kami noon, walang kasing saya. Pero isang gabi, ginabi ako sa trabaho dahil kailangang tapusin ang ilang papeles sa opisina. Pagdating ko sa bahay, walang Freya na sumalubong sa akin.

–
"Saan ka galing? Bakit ngayon ka lang?" ang bungad ko, di ko man lang siya tinignan.
Ramdam ko ang bahagyang pagkabigla niya. Alam kong nasaktan ko siya, pero hindi ko kayang pigilan. Damn! Bakit kailangan maging ganito?

I looked at her, and I saw the tears welling up in her eyes. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong yakapin siya.
"I'm so sorry, Freya. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just... I was just scared, nag aalala ako sayo"

She just hugged me tightly, her hands trembling as she held on to me like I was the only thing keeping her together.

"Pasensya na, kamahalan," she whispered, her voice breaking. "Hindi na po mauulit. I'm sorry for being sensitive. Hindi lang ako sanay masigawan."

I felt her tears soaking through my shirt, and it made my chest tighten with guilt. I never wanted to hurt her. I never meant to raise my voice.

–
Kinabukasan, sobrang aga ko na naman para sa trabaho. Sinadya ko talaga, kasi balak kong uuwi mamayang lunch at mag-leave. Gusto kong bumawi kay Freya.

Maybe, that's just how fate works. When I decided to stop by a restaurant to buy her favorite pizza, I was about to get out of the car when I saw a very familiar woman. It was Freya—and who’s that Pokémon with her?

Pinapikit ko ang mata ko ng dalawang beses, parang ayokong maniwala sa aking nakikita. Is she cheating on me!? She seemed so comfortable with him.

I stared at them, my heart sinking deeper with each passing second. My hands gripped the steering wheel as I watched them. Freya—my wife, the woman I vowed to love forever—was with another man, looking at him like she had no care in the world. He was guiding her into the car, his hand resting on her back with a kind of familiarity that made my chest tighten.

I couldn’t breathe. Ang sakit.

That should be me.

I was supposed to be the one holding her, the one guiding her. Pero bakit siya? Sino ba sya??

Ayoko sa mga ideyang nabuo sa aking utak kaya sinundan ko sila, pero hindi yata nahahalata kaya dali-dali kong pinaharurot ang sasakyan ko at binangga sila.

Nagsigawan, nagtakbuhan, saka ko lang naalala yung ginawa ko. What have I done?!!!!! Bakit Hindi ko to naisip kaagad??? hinding-hindi ko mapapatawad ang Sarili ko kapag may nangyari kay Freya, sa babaeng pinakamamahal ko. Dali-dali akong lumabas ng sasakyan. Ang mga paa ko’y parang hindi ko matino ang paglalakad, tumatakbo ako patungo sa kanila, ang utak ko'y punong-puno ng kalituhan at takot.

Niyakap ko ang katawan ng duguan kong asawa at kung sino man ang kasama nya'y wala akong pakialam.

Dumating ang ambulansya, habang isinusuong si Freya sa stretcher, may naramdaman akong kakaibang kaba. Kinuha ko ang brown envelope mula sa kotse, na naiwang nakapatong sa upuan ni Freya. Hindi ko ito naisip kanina, hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ko kinuha, pero sa bawat paglingon ko, may pakiramdam na tinatawag ako ng envelope na ito. Kinuha ko ito at habang binabaybay ko ang sakit, ang ambulance ay mabilis na nagtakbo patungo sa ospital. Binuksan ko ang envelope na hawak ko, isang piraso ng papel ang sumalubong sa akin. May sulat at isang pre-pregnancy test na hindi ko alam kung anong ibig sabihin. Nahulog ang mga mata ko sa mga salita sa sulat, na parang ang bawat letra ay kumakawala sa aking isipan.

To my beloved Von,

"Pasensya kana kung napag-aalala kita kagabi. I was with Jovean, remember him? Yung kinukwento ko sayong pinsan ko na hindi makadalo sa kasal natin dahil nasa ibang bansa ito. Dumating siya noong isang linggo, and I felt something. Pakiramdam ko buntis ako, kaya siya nalang ang tinawagan ko, since he’s also a private doctor.

Kasama ko rin siya sa araw na ito. Sorpresa ko ito sayo, mahal. Alam ko kasi kung gaano mo kagusto magkaroon ng anak. I’ve been feeling different lately, and when I spoke to Jovean, he suggested I take a test. And guess what?  It's confirmed —I’m pregnant.

I know this is a big surprise, and I want you to know I wasn’t expecting this either. But I want to share this moment with you, my love, because I know how much you’ve always dreamed of having a family. I can’t wait to start this new chapter with you by my side.

And I hope you’re just as excited as I am. I love you so much, and I’m so thankful for the life we’re building together."

My hands shook as I read the letter. It was as if the world had stopped turning, and all that mattered was the pain in my chest. I was about to become a father, but at what cost?

By the time I arrived at the hospital, the doctors were already at work pero bago pa man ako nakalapit, isang malupit na balita ang sumalubong sa akin. Ang asawa ko, si Freya—Dead on Arrival.
At ang masakit, may  sanggol sa kanyang sinapupunan— ang anak ko.  Pinatay ko sila pareho.