Venting (cause why not)

I...messed up

November 12th, 5:14pm

Welp, it's only been two days and I'm back on here ain't I?

Anyways, I feel like I fucked up a lil while talking to my online friend yesterday (I could've talked about this yesterday but felt too overwhelmed with guilt and stress) 

So basically we were just goofing around, and I so happened to be watching Chucky (A horror series) at the same time.

But while I was watching it, she kept blowing up my phone with texts, which I didn't mind, but wanted to play some lil joke or smth so while she was like talking abt whatever, I waited for her to finish, then, thinking I was funny or some shit, texted her "shush shush"

(Well, obviously I didn't say "Shut up" bc that's rude :/)

But then she stopped texting for a few minutes, and I went back to watching the series, but after that long break, she texted me back saying "Oh..ok" "I'll leave you alone for now :("

And my mind went into a spiral of panic bc I didn't realize she'd take it so seriously (I should've added an emoji or some shit idk why i didnt) and a voice kept telling me "its over its over, u did it, u fucked up this friendship" and I was like trying to dismiss the feeling by continuing to watch the series but it wasn't working, so I shut my computer, opened my phone, and started sending some short apology texts. I also added how i didn't mean for her to take it so seriously bc I thought she knew that i was watching Chucky right now.

She didn't respond.

And she didn't respond for the rest of the day...and today. Like I'm seriously worried.

The series is gonna end in just an episode and I'm worried that if I'm not distracting my mind, I'll just fall into a spiral of guilt and disappointment in myself bc of smth small that could have the potential to ruin our friendship

But I can't let that happen, s-she's my only friend, if she's gone I literally have no one. Bc all my other online friends either only talk to me to vent and then leave with their other friends or they already have other friends to hang out with and don't talk to me at all. School I'm just a loner, which I am kinda use to, but it still hurts.

More than even when I was alone as a child

_________________________

Speaking of my childhood, my english teacher asked my class a question for a warm up: "What was ur childhood like? What made ur parents unique?"

Idk why, but I felt my heart skip a beat for a second, out of fear. I looked around, and saw everyone scribbling away, while my mind tries to go back to my deepest memories of my childhood, but all I remember is some times I played with my old friends, and Roblox. that's it.

And the memories abt my parents are all bad, like all those times when my mom sent me to timeout and i'd cry and cry but no one would like comfort me so id comfort myself (I think this is its so hard for me to open up)

And let's not forget abt those times were I got hit with a wooden spoon (for discipline but I think it was for some small mistakes that i made as a kid too)

I only ended up writing smth like "I use to have hot dog tuesdays, and burger sundays" that's it.

If someone's gonna ask me how my entire life's been, I'd respond by just shrugging my shoulders while thinking abt my worst memories bc they're all that I can remember at the time.

Anyways, have a nice rest of ur day/night! ^^

(November 19th: Me and my friend are on good terms now :) )