Sorrow In Solace

Chapter IX

tw: physical abuse, abortion, self-harm

CHAPTER IX

I was petrified to open the door, thinking that her sight might trigger me. But she needs me more than anything right now that’s the reason why she is here. So, I heaved a deep sigh before I turn the doorknob open.

“What’s wrong, Xera?” I gently mumbled, sitting on the lower part of the bed where she’s lying face down. Nang mapagtanto niyang nakapasok ako ay marahan s’yang umupo na tila ba’y mayroong iniinda.

When are eyes met and as I clearly see her condition a sudden rush of numbing coldness engulfed me, it was as if I was pushed into a pool of ice. I only got back to my senses when Xera pushed herself to hug me as she weep uncontrollably. I tried not to touch her bruised arms, even her face were swollen and filled with wounds.

I stuttered trying to get answers that I should probably not know, “W-What h-happend? Was it Damian?”

“How could he do this to me, Giuliana? All I did was... was to let him feel all the love I could give. Pinatawad ko s’ya sa panloloko niya, and this time... It’s awfully worse!” She was screaming as she thump her chest with her clenched fist, trying to ease her pain with hurting herself.

I held her hands to calm her down, “Don’t hurt yourself, Xera. Kung gusto mong ilabas lahat ng mga hinanakit mo, you can vent it all out to me.” I said, caressing the back of her hand. I don’t care anymore if I’ll get triggered, this is not about me now, it’s about her. I just can’t let her face this on her own.

“I hate this feeling... Ang sakit sa puso, para akong paulit-ulit na sinasaksak. I was the one who got cheated on, who lost someone... pero Giulia, tangina! When I tried to explain something I hasn’t even thought of doing, he just—” She hysterically cried, unabling her to speak further.

And I know how that feels... That ache in your heart, a suffocating pain that would make you wish to just die all at once. It numbs your whole being which make everything seems heavy that is so unbearable to carry, and you’d stop trying, letting yourself fall in the depths of extremity... Until you can’t help yourself up anymore. And I cannot let her do that to herself. As long as she needs me, and not pushing me away– like I did when I was in her situation, I’ll be by her side.

“I am very sorry for telling this to you now...” Her sobs were making it hard to understand her, “We got back together, we tried to fix our relationship because we... we found out I was two weeks pregnant. I thought we’ll finally be happy. But then when he wasn’t around yesterday, I started bleeding heavily, and I lost our baby! I would– I would accept it if it was because my body wasn’t capable of growing it, but no!” I was in a daze, I didn’t know how to react or what to say, I was just silently watching her broke down, hoping that my presence would make her realize that she’s not alone.

She abruptly took something out of her jean’s back pocket, “Last night after I got out from the hospital, carrying that bad news with me,  Damian... he approached me to beat me up, I couldn’t see anything in his eyes but rage. He was accusing me of aborting the baby, that I killed his baby– but how could I? And then I found these in the kitchen’s trashbin earlier,” then she handed me an emptied mat of unfamiliar capsule.

I frowned in confusion which immediately turned into utmost anger when she continued, “I-It’s a pill used for abortion... I remembered the night before the day I severely bleed, he made me a whole meal and a freshly squeezed lime juice for dinner which he never did before, not even once until that night. H-He was the o-one who wanted the baby to die... in me.” She muttered, leaning her forehead in my shoulder.

“He should go to jail.” I admonished as I caress her hair.

“H-How could he do this to me? If he wasn’t ready for the responsibility, he... he should’ve just broke up with me! He didn’t have to kill such innocent angel.” She then faced me again, her eyes were filled with grief, “If he won’t live his lawless life in jail, I’d kill him myself.”

——

After our conversation Xera fell asleep from crying, and didn’t eat anything throughout the day. Although I felt lightheaded from all her revelations, I still managed to cook dinner.

“Xera, dinner’s ready. You have to eat.” I knocked twice and when she didn’t respond, I slowly opened the door which flung after a second as I saw what she was going to do.

“XERA!” I yelled, making her drop the  blade that she was about to use to cut her wrist. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! I know you’re in pain, pero hindi self-harm ang sagot.” I ran towards her to pick the blade up away from her. Mukhang kailangan ko nang itago muna ang mga matutulis na bagay sa bahay ko.

“It won’t even hurt, Giulia... It’s just an external cut, pwedeng gamutin. Pero ‘yong sugat sa puso’t pagkatao ko parang hindi na kailanman gagaling pa.” She whispered as she crouch to hide her swollen face.

I tightly hugged her, “Hindi man mabilis humilom ang sugat sa loob, pero dadating ang panahon na gagaling din ito. But you have to help yourself in order to heal, Xera.”

“I don’t know how...”

I pushed her shoulders up to face me, “In order to heal, you must not forget to eat. That’s always the first step, so, let’s go.” I said with a faint smile. She let me guide her to the kitchen and we ate, silently.

That same night, I couldn’t sleep at all. Since Xera’s occupying my room, I decided to finish a few files that are due for next week. Nag-apply din ako sa iba pang mga proyekto para kinabukasan ay may gagawin ako kapag mayroong tumanggap sa mga aplikasyon ko. Hindi naman ganoon kahirap dahil pinipili ko kung saan ako mas magaling at kumportable, tulad ng pagsusulat ng mga akda at advertisement blogs.

Bagaman may ginagawa’y hindi maalis sa utak ko ang mga pangyayari. Maraming katanungan na kahit anong sagot at dahilan yata ay hindi ko kayang paniwalaan.

I wasn’t the one who experienced it, pero ganito na ang nararamdaman ko sa sitwasyon ni Xera. Kaya’t napapaisip ako sa nararamdaman niya at kung ano ang mga tumatakbo pa sa kaniyang isipan na ‘di niya kayang sabihin.

It must’ve been excruciating...