Depressed as Fuck [Completed]

Chapter 1

I didn't bother answering when I heard a knock. "Sister Luna?" Ella's voice drifted through the wooden door. She was only eleven, still innocent enough to say such thing and I should stop making a big deal out of it but I couldn't. Not when she wants me to hang myself. I didn't respond. There wasn't much to say. 

The door creaked open a little and I could see her silhouette in the doorway. She stood there for a moment, waiting for me to say something--anything. But I didn't. I just sat in my chair, phone in hand, headphones in my ears, scrolling through meaningless posts on my social media feed.

"Can we go outside later? I want to play in the garden," she asked, her voice hopeful, the way it always was when she still thought I might care. 

"Maybe later," I muttered without looking up. 

She hesitated and for a moment I thought she might press the issue, but instead, I heard her feet shuffle back down outside of my room. The soft patter of her footsteps grew quieter as she walked away. 

I couldn't even bring myself to care enough to feel guilty. She deserved a sister who would play with her. But I wasn't that person anymore. The Luna she wanted to play with, the Luna who laughed and spent time with her, didn't exist. At least, not in this house. 

I had stopped existing a long time ago. 

And maybe that was the only thing that made sense... I glanced at my clock. It's 3:00 p.m. I was supposed to be in class right now, taking my Financial Research, but it didn't matter. I'd stopped going to most of my lectures weeks ago. It wasn't like anyone would care if I flunked out anyway. I didn't care. 

I opened Genshin Impact on my phone, the familiar loading screen lighting up with the soundtrack I'd grown used to. Teyvat was the only world where I mattered and could escape my own reality. I tapped on the co-op mode without hesitation. A few seconds later, a random player's name popped up. 

"Welcome to co-op," it read. I didn't mind that I didn't know them. I didn't need friends. Not anymore. I just needed to get through the next few hours without feeling too much. Without being reminded that I was alone. 

With my headphones over my ears, the soft beats of my favorite lo-fi playlist fill my head. The world outside my family, and my responsibilities--faded into the background as I got lost in the game. I was safe here. No expectations, no judgment. Just a screen full of bright colors and enemies to fight. 

I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a conversation with my not-biological-elder sister, Mara. She lived next door. I'd been home from college for almost a week now, but we hadn't exchanged more than a few words. A quick "Hi" in passing, a short "Are you eating?" when she caught me in the kitchen. That was about it. 

Mara was busy with her own life, anyway. She had a husband, 3 kids, and her own set of problems. I didn't blame her for distancing herself from me. I wasn't the sister she used to know. I wasn't the sister anyone wanted around. Mara probably thought I was a failure after saying those things to my face. She probably thought I was lazy or depressed or broken--maybe all three. 

I had caught her looking at me the way she looked at things that were no longer useful to her--with indifference. She'd stopped trying to fix me a long time ago. Not that I cared. 

The game buzzed as my co-op partner sent a message: "Ready to go?" 

"Yeah," I typed back, fingers moving quickly. 

The action on-screen was quick and familiar to dodge, attack, and heal. I didn't think about anything else. 

Here, I wasn't a failure. 

Here, I could be a hero. 

A few minutes later, we'd cleared the domain. My co-op partner sent another quick message: "Good game." 

I typed "Thanks" in response, not really feeling much of anything. It wasn't real. None of it was. But in a way, it was easier than the real world. Easier than facing my reflection. Easier than dealing with my family or pretending like I had any idea what I was supposed to do with my life. 

I tossed my phone aside and leaned back in my chair, looking out the window at the gray sky. My room felt small and suffocating. I heard my parents downstairs talking, the muffled sounds of them arguing over something trivial. But it wasn't like they cared about me anyway. 

My phone buzzed, this time, it was a text from my not-biological-elder-sister, Mara. "Can you give me 100 in Gcash if you still have spare money?" I stared at the message for a moment.

It felt like the same thing every time. Nothing meaningful. I didn't respond. 

What was there to give? I have nothing. 

This is tiring. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be anywhere. But I stayed. I stayed because I didn't know what else to do. What would happen if I just stopped? The thought came, uninvited, and I shoved it away quickly. 

Not yet, I told myself. Not yet. I couldn't let myself fall. Not yet. But the truth was, I didn't know how much longer I could hold on. And maybe I didn't want to. 

The world outside my room felt so far away. So loud. So full of expectations I could never meet. I glanced at the clock again. 4:00 p.m. Another hour gone. Another day wasted. But it didn't matter. Not really. Nothing mattered. The game pinged again, and I picked up my phone. Another co-op request. I accepted. 

And for the next few hours, the world faded again.

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lironove