Depressed as Fuck [Completed]

Chapter 6

I woke up in the same position I had fallen asleep in---head buried in my pillow, arm tangled in my blanket, phone still clutched in my hand.

The screen was cracked, but it didn't matter anymore. It was a small thing, one of many little damages I'd let accumulate over time, too tired to fix them, too numb to care.

I didn't need an alarm to know it was late. The sunlight filtering through the window was too soft, too pale. It was already afternoon.

I had missed another class.

Again.

I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. The fan was spinning lazily above me, and the clock on my nightstand blinked 4:00 p.m.

I hadn't been outside in days. Maybe longer. I hadn't spoken to anyone in days either. The house felt quieter than usual today, as though even the walls were holding their breath, waiting for something---anything---to happen.

But nothing ever did.

My phone buzzed again. Another message from ShadowViper.

"You've been gone a while. You sure everything's okay?"

I read the message, but I didn't respond right away. The words everything's okay felt like a mockery.

How could anyone say that when everything felt like it was falling apart? I didn't even know if I was okay. I wasn't sure what that even meant anymore.

Instead of answering, I opened the game again. I wasn't even sure what I was doing at this point---was I playing for fun, or was I just avoiding the silence?

The game started, the familiar Genshin Impact screen greeting me like an old friend and I clicked through the motions without thinking.

Same endless cycle of missions, rewards, domains. I didn't need to think about anything here. The enemies didn't care about me. They didn't expect anything from me. They were just monsters. I was just a traveler. It was a small comfort at least.

My character moved across the fields of Mondstadt and I ran her through the usual motions: dodging attacks, picking up items, smashing crates.

The soundtrack played in the background, the soft, gentle music that never failed to calm me, even if only for a few minutes.

I glanced at my phone again. ShadowViper had sent another message but I still didn't want to respond.

"Are you really okay? Just checking in. You've been quiet lately."

Checking in.

I could hear their voice in my head, soft and concerned, like they actually cared.

But I didn't want their concern. I didn't want anyone's concern. I knew the answer, but I wasn't ready to say it. Saying it would make it real.

I set the phone face-down on my bed, pulled the covers up higher, and stared at the ceiling again.

The space between me and the world outside felt so vast, so cold.

I was alone.

It was easier to pretend that I didn't need anything. To pretend I didn't care.

But the truth, the gnawing truth that I couldn't shake, was that I was empty. Completely hollowed out.

I reached over to the side of the bed and grabbed my headphones, plugging them into my phone.

Music---something loud and angry---would drown out the silence. The beat dropped hard through the speakers, filling my ears with a rhythm that made my chest tighten. The lyrics were aggressive, like the artist was screaming all the things I couldn't say out loud.

And I liked it. I liked the noise. I closed my eyes and let the music swallow me whole.

The world outside didn't matter.

The people outside didn't matter.

None of it mattered.

I could feel the pressure in my chest, like I was suffocating from the weight of everything I was hiding.

I wanted to scream, but I didn't.

Instead, I just let the music carry me, the beats pounding louder than any thoughts in my head. Minutes passed. Maybe hours. It didn't really matter.

Time was meaningless in this room.

When I finally pulled the headphones off, the silence in the room felt deafening. The noise of the music was over, and I was left alone with my own thoughts.

I rolled over onto my side, letting my face fall into the pillow again.

I couldn't bring myself to face the world outside. I couldn't bring myself to face the people who were supposed to care. But they didn't.

The message from ShadowViper was still on the screen, blinking in the corner.

"I'm here if you want to talk. Please just let me know."

I stared at the message, my thumb hovering over the screen. I had a hundred things I could say, a hundred things I could tell them---but the words felt too heavy. I couldn't speak them. I couldn't face them.

Instead, I just locked my phone and tossed it to the side. I didn't need to say anything. I didn't need anyone's help.

I pulled the blanket over my head, blocking out the world. The room felt suffocating, but I didn't care. I couldn't bring myself to care about anything anymore.

I was fading.

Slowly.

Quietly.

I didn't know when was the last time I had smiled or laughed or cared about anything.

All I knew was that I was here. And here, I didn't have to feel. Here, in my room, in the quiet, with the screen and the music, I could just be.

Or maybe I could just disappear.

But that was too big of a thought, so I pushed it away, swallowed it down, and grabbed my phone again.

Another domain. Another mission. Another round of distractions. The game was still waiting. It would always be waiting. And I could keep running away.

For a little longer.

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lironove