~ My first love ~

Why is it that it's been three years and I'm still not fully recovered, not recovered at all. Everytime I think of him it makes me think of how we used to be and how much I'd do to have that back even for a minute. But it'll never be the same, even when we do talk. If he breaks no contact then it's okay, he can come as he pleases and talk to me like he wants me back. He knows I love him, I know he can feel it. And I feel it too for a minute, that's until he realises he doesn't need to stay around to keep me interested.

Honestly, he only ever comes back when I haven't tried contacting him for a while, it's like. He wants me to love him but doesn't want to love me.. what is that called? He says the most Beautiful things when he's around. And then goes silent and we don't speak for another two months, it's a cycle. There was one morning when it all fell apart, I asked him if he still loved me. It took him a while to type back his answer. And the answer was no.

I felt like my life had ended at that point, and it hasn't changed since, I just wanted the same love I had felt a few months before his words. Declaring he didn't love me anymore. It still hurts me to this day, but he has a hold on me, if it were anyone else I'd have told them I don't care and they'd be forgotten in a matter of days. But him? 3 years later he's still in my mind rent free.
Do people ever forget their first love? I don't think I could marry anyone else or even be with anyone knowing that he still exists in the back of my mind. I'd drop my whole life for him and he knows it. Is he taking me for granted? Or is he just as confused as I am... he says he doesn't love me anymore yet, came back to me wishing to see my face again. He said every-time he sees my face it feels like it's for the first time again, as his brain can't comprehend how beautiful a person could ever be. He said I was all he needed. I mean, this was after he said he didn't love me. Years after.

Who could come up with such poetic words about a person like that and not love them? I never wrapped my head around it. All I wanted is to feel the happiness he once gave me, while we called until I fell asleep, and I'd wake up in the middle of the night and he'd be up just in case I woke up needing him, laughing with him, listening to him calling me beautiful and that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Oh how I miss that, I'd do anything to see his face or hear his voice. I think about him everyday, and I wonder if he still thinks about me, the way I do him. I wondered if maybe we'd meet again in the future and everything would become perfect, we'd have everything we once dreamed of, a beautiful home, 2 children. A dog, getting married and spending eternity with each other.

Is that silly of me? To have hope? After all we'd been through. He never did anything directly but the situation tore me apart. Now I'm sat here writing about him because my mind is turning and turning waiting for him to come back to me...

Maybe he never will.

Maybe he never cared about me. Or even loved me, maybe all those words he said were fake and he was bored and used me because he craved attention.

No he'd never do that, he is the nicest person I'd ever met, he's just confused with his own feelings, one day we'll meet again.

I claimed I knew him so well, but you never know what's going through someone's mind. Especially his, getting to know him was the best thing to happen to me, I'll never take that back.

But perhaps it was the worst thing too, as I'll never forget my first love. Never in a million years. I still loved him but I was too scared to say it to his face again. I'll never be able to fully move on or be happy with the absence of him..

And I tell people I'm okay, and that it doesn't matter to me too much "it is what it is" but it will stick with me for eternity. It does bother me, of course it does. I say it doesn't but i lie. I'm so embarrassed that someone has me so caught up like this. But I can't stop it, and I can't stop writing because I have so much to express yet I don't know how to fully let it out. I wish he knew exactly how I felt, and I wish I knew how he felt. Do I wait for him? Do I wait until he decided to come back to Me? Or do I try my best to move on.

I'm too scared to move on, what if I move on and he comes back?

I don't know why I assess the situation so much, he probably will come back. He always does, He'll only stay until he realises I still love him tho, that's when it's okay for him to leave. He wants me to want him, but doesn't want me.

Why is it that the ugliest situations also had the most beautiful moments...