the streets carried your words, the burdensome memories. it hurt when i thought of you, but it also hurt when i thought of someone else. you filled my mind, you filled my soul, but i tried so hard to get rid of your presence. how can you still have such an impact on me when i forgot you long ago? one look at you, and the butterflies in my belly start to flutter. you've upset my previously tranquil life, and nestled yourself back into the furrows of my brain. a little unnerving, right?
i saw you in the dim, weak light of the street lamps as I walked home after a tiring day. even in the wild glow of the stars and moon, your half smile greeted me. it was so disturbing to simply see you in everything, even the most unexpected things. while cooking, the chequered shawl reminded me of the shirt you wore when we first met. the rustle of the wind brought me back to a happy sigh of yours. you became my world... again.
the internet did not give me a solution to this strange phenomenon that had just begun in my life. i was looking for a solution, a way out of this endless labyrinth, but all the roads led back to you. it seemed that maybe i should go back to you, try again. but how, if you are lost, if i am lost (in the world, in myself and in you as well). how can i do this? i just need an answer from nothing.
if one day i appeared at your door, knocking innocently, would you invite me in? would you even remember me, know who i was? or would you slam the door on me and leave me in the lurch? what would you do? could we start again or should i forget the whole thing and let myself drift away? for if i don't do something, the whirlpool will take me!
fear... because it was fear that always consumed me and held me back. i regretted so many things because of my fear, but i never learned to act. maybe i won't succeed now and i'll leave it at that, because my fear holds me back. introverted mindset, because i'd rather choose the wrong thing than step up and face you.
it was your fault... maybe that would be the first thing i would say to you, but i really have no idea. i'm not even sure if it was your fault or mine, but i'm more convinced it was yours. you barely gave me a say in how things went, you decided, you acted, which means you were the only one who made it go wrong. i couldn't have been at fault in my own silent inaction, could i?
lately i've been seeing you in my dreams, not just in my waking life. old memories are emerging, little fragments of my past. i can see your face, clearer than when you were standing in front of me, i can hear your voice and you're so real. maybe for the first time in so long i feel like i want to meet you, despite everything. my dreams are pushing me closer to you, closer to the abyss.
yes, because you were a chasm, an abyss that i knew i was going to fall into anyway. it happened once, but somehow i managed to climb out, but i knew for sure it would happen again.
and it did.
