Little Lamb

38 ❦ my favorite lollipop

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A part of me didn't want to leave anymore. Didn't want to escape with Burns.
When Riggs is here.

When I'm in his presence, everything feels so, charged. So alive. The way he holds me, the way he makes me feel like I'm his and no one else's.

The way he looks at me like he knows every part of me, even the parts I can't admit to myself.

The way he touches me, like I'm something precious to him, even if he won't admit it.

What we did in that cave, it was more than just physical. It was something else, something deeper.

I like him. I hate him. And yet, I need him. Every part of him, all of him. But torn between wanting to run as far away from him as possible and needing to crawl right back into his arms.

I've told myself this is just temporary. That it's a distraction. That we're both too fucked up for this to mean anything. But the truth is. I don't think I can walk away from him without breaking. And the thought of him being hurt by my leaving it destroys me...

Just like it's destroying me now. We're both already shattered, and leaving him... it's like shoving a knife deeper into an already open wound.

I can't stay. I can't keep doing this to myself. For all the ways he makes me feel. I can't ignore the bigger picture. Saving my mother. The escape. The life I'm supposed to be running toward. The chance to get out of this mess where every choice I make pulls me deeper into a hole I won't be able to climb out of.

But the closer the day comes, the harder it gets to breathe.

In 3 days... I have 3 days to make peace with this. 3 days to distance myself, to prepare myself to walk away from the one thing that makes me feel alive, even if it kills me.

And that scares the shit out of me.

The waterfall had become my only escape. The sound of rushing water drowned out the chaos in my head. It was late, the night blanketing the camp in stillness. I let the cool stream cascade over my body, washing away the grime and the overwhelming thoughts of Riggs.

For a moment, under the pale moonlight, I allowed myself to think about nothing.

Allister's was waiting for me at the edge of the clearing. I rinsed the last of the soap from my hair. He'd offered to walk me back to camp after dinner.

Back in my tent, I changed into my softest pajamas, pulling the covers over me as the night wrapped its arms around me. Sleep came quickly, but it wasn't kind.

The house was dimly lit, the faint hum of a television in the background. I was 14 again again, standing in the small living room, my mother's voice cutting through the quiet like a blade.

"Lola, what the hell were you doing in there with him?" she snapped, her words slurred, the wineglass in her hand trembling.

"I wasn't doing anything," I stammered, my heart pounding. "We were just watching a movie—"

"Don't lie to me!" she screamed, the glass shattering against the wall behind me. I flinched, tears already brimming in my eyes. "I saw the way he looked at you."

"He didn't look at me! Mom, he's like a father to me—"

"A father?" She laughed bitterly, her eyes narrowing. "You think parading around in those little shorts makes you a daughter? You're disgusting."

"Mom, please," I begged, stepping back as she closed the distance between us. "I wasn't doing anything wrong. I just... I wanted to feel like I had a dad—"