Hiraya

Prologue

Prologue

As time passed by, I slowly understood that to love is to risk my happiness; to love is to risk my all; to love is to learn the art of waiting; and to love is like watching the moon and stars at night; no matter how much you want them to stay, they will always disappear once the morning comes.

Nothing is permanent in this world. Everything can change in a blink of an eye. Kahit gaano mo pa ito kagustong manatili, 'di mo mamamalayan na wala na pala ito sa 'yo. At palagi, nasa huli ang pagsisisi.

"Ano magpapaka-martyr ka?" sabay irap ni Rei sa akin.

Nangalumbaba ako habang tinitingnan ang kaibigan sa FaceTime. She looks annoyed with my decision but I can't blame her.

She sighed, not really happy with my decision.

"Alam mo ang tanga mo," diretsa niyang sinabi. "Kung nandiyan lang talaga ako baka nasabunutan na kita."

I know.

"Love makes you so crazy, Amia."

I know that too.

Bumuntong-hininga lang ako at nagpatuloy sa sinusulat ko sa papel. As much as I want to ignore it, escaping it further will only complicate things. Deep down, I know that she knows, I need this. And she will understand me.

Pinanood ako ni Rei sa kabaliwang ginagawa ko ngayon sa dorm. Kulang na lang ay lumusot siya sa screen para lang sampalin ako sa kahibangan ko. But at the end, she let me do what I wanted. At wala rin naman siyang magagawa kung ipipilit ko ito.

"Well... I can't blame you. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions for you, love. I just don't want to see you in that situation again. But I am proud that you're deciding for yourself today, and listening to what your heart desires, not following the opinion of others."

"Love, hindi ka ibang tao. Kaya nga sinasabi ko sa 'yo ito para kung sakali man na malugmok ako sa desisyon ko, hindi na tulad nang dati na pahirapan pa para malaman mo ang tumatakbo sa utak ko."

Reina Maxine Hernandez is my best friend. I met her during the pandemic on Twitter for the theory of a story made by a famous author here in the Philippines. She saved me in many ways and I am so lucky to have her here despite the distance. It has been four years since our friendship started, and we haven't really met in person, but our friendship remains strong. No words are enough to describe how much I appreciate her for coming into my life and for choosing to understand me without judgment, always and in all ways. She's not only my friend but also my sister by heart. Without her, I won't be here today.

"Thank you, Reina... for choosing to believe in me and for supporting me in all ways. I really appreciate you."

"For as long as I exist, you will always have someone who will love you in every universe. No matter what the outcome may be, I will always be here, okay? Regardless, I hope you can have the peace you always wanted. Good luck, bb! I got to go na rin I have work pa."

"Okay. Thanks, bb! Take care!"

She smiled. "You too. Just call me, I will answer if I'm not busy by then,"

Tumango lang ako. The call ended, gumapang na ang kaba sa sistema ko.

Gustong-gusto ko siyang kausapin pero 'di ko alam kung kaya ko na nga ba siyang harapin pagkatapos nang mga nangyari. Kating-kati na ang kamay ko na magtipa ng mensahe para sa kaniya ngunit pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko dahil baka sa huli ay magsisi na naman ako.

They say love is a choice. I always think that it is a feeling that you can't control. Because if it's a choice, why can't everyone choose to stay? You either wait or just leave without looking back. I always thought that I would be the one who won't look back, but clearly I don't fit in that story.

The truth is, I decided to wait despite the pain. I chose to wait even if there's no assurance if he will come back. I always think that I should not look back, because if he really wanted me, he will always find his way back to me, no matter how painful our past is or how broken we have become all these years.

But then there's always two choices to every love story. Because love doesn't always ask you to stay. Sometimes it asks you fight in order for you to stay. You can't always demand someone to stay without even fighting for him because there's always a choice: the love that fights... and the love that let go.

Either way, masasaktan at masasaktan ka lang din naman. That's why love is a feeling that you cannot control.

What if he comes back? Will you fight for him in order for the both of you to stay in love? Iyon ang paulit-ulit kong tinatanong sa sarili ko sa araw-araw. But for some reason, I cannot provide a direct answer.

Because if I really wanted him to stay, I should've done better before. But I didn't.

"Huy! Lalim nang iniisip ah," natauhan lang ako nang nagsalita si Paul. "Okay ka lang?" aniya nang ibinalik ko ang mga mata sa tanawin sa harap ng SM Baguio.

Umihip ang panghapong hangin, dahilan kung bakit napahawak ako sa aking braso. The sun is setting, giving me a sense of serene horizon. Sana tulad ng payapang tanawin na 'to ay ang pagkakaroon ng kapayapaan sa puso ko.

Is it worth it? Iyon ang paulit-ulit kong tinanong sa sarili ko bago ako nagdesisyon sa oras na 'to.

To be loved is to be known.

But what if it's too late now?

Iniwas ko ang tingin sa magandang tanawin. Paul watched me carefully, trying to read what's on my mind. Nagtaas siya ng kilay noong tumingin ako ng diretso sa mga mata niya.

"Uwi na tayo," deklara ko, ayaw na mabasa niya ang nasa utak ko.

"Gusto mo mag-kape muna?"

Umiling ako. He sighed, not convinced with what I want. Pinapunta ko siya rito para samahan ako. Masyadong nakakadrain ang school works ngayon dahil nagsabay-sabay ang mga quizzes at deadline ng projects. Sabayan pa nitong mga iniisip ko. Leche talaga!

"Hindi ako makakatulog kapag nag-kape pa ako ngayon."

"Okay, then let's just eat para 'di ka na magluto pag-uwi mo."

Hindi na ako tumanggi dahil mangungulit lang ito. I am so drained to even argue with small things.

Naglakad na kami pabalik sa loob ng mall. Pinauna niya akong sumakay sa escalator at siya naman ang nasa likod ko. Gumala ang mata ko sa paligid hanggang sa napadpad ito sa isang pamilyar na pares ng mata. I met a stranger today, but it was strange... I knew his name, his birthday, his hobbies, his fears, and the things that makes him happy.

Pasakay pa lang siya paakyat habang ako'y malapit nang bumaba.

He looked at me like he didn't know me...

Oh well... technically, we are strangers... but with memories.

Some people said that the most painful word in this world is "almost" and some said "at least" but in my case, those words both weigh too much pain.

We almost end up together.

At least we met.

We almost fulfilled our promises.

At least we tried.

We almost choose each other.

At least, we thought of it.

He was almost mine in this lifetime.

At least I had the chance.

At least we loved each other...

It was dark before him, and eventually it's the darkest after him. It was as if I was given a taste of serenity and hope before I was thrown to hell.

It was as if I was only given a chance to feel loved, only to be filled with pain and sadness forever.