Venting (cause why not)

here we go again...

Welp, it's getting bad again. 

I mean it was already bad, but I'm just miserable 24/7

I usually feel empty or lonely at a certain time each day (dunno why) but now it runs inside of me almost everyday. Sometimes I cry abt the things that I think are gonna happen judging by my parents behavior that I cry for a couple of mins and then go numb for the rest.

Also I started to relapse again, and last time I did it was last night. I use to do it bc I was rlly mad or sad at myself, but now I do it just to feel something.

Plus, my anxiety has gotten worse. I literally felt my heart beat out of my chest when I heard that I had to do another presentation on Friday, which is for 3-5 minutes (like damn that's an intense 3-5 mins). I literally felt nauseous and couldn't pay attention to writing down my damn notes 10 mins before my meeting with my guidance counselor (I didn't know what it was so ofc my brain had to assume that it was smth bad) 

Idk I might have to use notecards this time, cuz when I look at the audience while I'm presenting, my mind's gonna get all over the place and that ain't no fun.

I didn't know how strained my relationship with my family was until now. I don't talk to my dad often bc he's always at work during school and even after I sleep, me and my mom are like on thin ice (she keeps getting on my nerves again) and my sister is kind of like hot and cold: we either get along or we don't (which is typical but still-)

Yeah also my dad's gonna stay home the entire week, which feels weird cuz I'm use to him going to work, but from what's happened rn between my mom and dad, it's either gonna improve or be even worse.

Anywho that's my rant of the day, and ik its monday, but rlly all I wanna do is just die, like rn if everyone stopped caring abt me that'd be SO nice