Venting (cause why not)

Idek anymore

I'm like very close to like giving in.

I feel like I lost everything: my happiness, innocence, and my true self, I've lost it all. I'm always tired, yet when i go to bed before midnight, im just more tired than before. I dread going to school but I also dread coming back home. I'm literally stuck.

School, I'm only known for being smart. Need help with some questions? Answers to an assignment? A good partner for challenges in a subject? I gotchu. 

Although it's nice, it just sucks that it's all I'm known for. Like every classmate that I talk to knows that I'm smart and talented, and doesn't even bother to dig further.

I wish home was better. Rn my Dad is on a break from work, but it feels like everything is more strict when he's around. I was recently caught on my computer just watching some videos to try to fall asleep. If I could fall asleep easily, trust me, I would right then and there, but my sleep schedule is too fucked up to change it. If my grades aren't straight A's, I'm not trying my best. If I finish my exercise slower than before, I'm lazy. I'm trying to convince them that I'm trying my best, but it don't work. 

And before u guys say "have you told them abt what u feel?" Yes. Infact, multiple times. But it usually ends up my phone being locked or me just being sent to sleep earlier, OR they just question what's so tiring about school when all I do is sit on a desk and learn some topics (that almost all of them have no guarantee teaching me how to survive the real world)

But on a serious note, I'm seriously struggling. Everyday my anxiety is getting worse and worse as more tests and quizzes cross my path, yet I keep procrastinating it to the last minute where it's really urgent. I'm not even sad anymore, just numb most of the time. I've relapsed more and more, and the day keeps repeating itself over and over and over and over again. I started to eat more and my mom had noticed that by mentioning me to stop eating "all the snacks" or whatever it is. I only have one friend and I only talk to her on some weekends due to the time zone difference. 

About thanksgiving, im not rlly thankful for my parents that much at all; sure they give birth to me and raised me within good standing shelter, but they made me feel unworthy of attention and think that I'm a huge crybaby who whines over nth (I was a big big crybaby back then. One little comment and I'd be a full sobbing mess) now I laugh over every small thing. I was all giggles for my first block for some fucking reason, idek. 

Idek anymore. I'm tired, and I have all these issues and expectations to fufill. I ain't even living for myself anymore. I'm just going where life takes me till I can't take it anymore.

Peace.