I love you.

Chapter 12

After a couple days, Joshua has tried calling and texting me, but I didn't text or call back. I needed to get used to the fact that he wasn't going to be there when I needed him, or wanted him. The cuddles, kisses, and we didn't even get to third base. I love'd him, so that didn't matter to me if we did or not. 

A week passed by, and I got a call from Yale, I didn't get in. So, it was down to Harvard. I didn't even image getting declined from Yale, if anything it would of been Harvard. I needed Josh right now, I needed his warm snuggles and his soft kisses. I needed affection. I shouldn't even tell him, cause he would want to continue our relationship. As of now, I don't even think we're together anymore, and honestly I hurting as much as I can before I get to depression. Knowing that I got declined, and I'm losing Joshua, I can't handle the pain I am feeling. The depression started to kick in, and once I'm depressed, Joshua is the only person that can help get it away. I started to cry, and I tried so damn hard to keep the tears in, but they wouldn't. I didn't want this to ever happen, ever. I didn't want my life to be so amazing, and for me to just screw it up. All the feelings of happiness are being flushed down the toilet. My life, is no longer happy. 

I decided to go on Josh's Instagram, so I logged into it. I seen he was liking another girls pictures. He still had me in his bio, and still had all our pictures up, but it didn't feel like it was real anymore. It was like all my feelings were turned off, and the "button" was broken. It felt like I was never going to feel emotions, (besides sadness) ever again. My whole life was ruined, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. My mom and dad got a divorce, I never see my dad, and my mom always worked. I understand I'm popular, and rich. But in the real world, that doesn't matter. Having parents, and a healthy relationship is all that matters to me. Not the money. I know, I know, "You're so spoiled" but, money doesn't make all your emotions go away, yeah, it limits some problems, but in reality, I still feel, I still have a heart. Just because I have money, doesn't mean Im going to have the best life in the world. 

All my memories, and feelings were being missed, and this turned into confusion. I didn't want to keep thinking about Joshua, but I couldn't help it! I didn't realize how deeply in love I was with him. I never truly appreciated him, or what he's done for me. I never realized how much he would "dent" in my life. He really is a part of my life, and I can't loose him to anything. My mind kept racing on wether I should give up on us, or call him back.