shhh it's not you, it's me

Chapter 3: The Abyss Within

I don’t know where I am. It’s dark—well, not completely, but it feels worse than if it were. The darkness feels suffocating. Something smells awful. I can’t figure out what it is. My brain feels numb, my mind spinning with confusion. I feel angry and restless, like I’m not even myself. I don’t know what’s happening. I see a mirror next to me. My reflection stares back. But it’s not me. The person in the mirror is... crazy. His hair is a mess, and blood is dripping from the corner of his lips and his forehead. But the weirdest part is his smile. It's not normal. It keeps stretching wider and wider, an impossible smile that just keeps getting bigger. I feel a sharp pain near my mouth. My reflection’s smile gets even wider. I can’t take it anymore. I scream, trying to escape this nightmare, but my voice is lost in the madness. I punch the mirror. It shatters, the pieces scattering around me. But the laughter doesn’t stop. It’s everywhere, and it’s my voice. My own laughter echoing, but it’s not me. It’s twisted, and it’s driving me mad. My head spins, and everything fades to black again.
I slowly open my eyes. The bright light hurts, and my head feels like it’s going to explode. There’s no loud noise, just some mumbling in the distance. As my vision clears, I see the school nurse, Mrs. Fleming, talking to someone. I can’t make out the words, but I see her hand a piece of paper to the person, and they walk away. I try to focus, but the pain in my head is too much, so I close my eyes again, hoping to rest. Then I hear a voice. “It seems you’ve woken up, Aarush.” I open my eyes to see Mrs. Fleming standing beside me, smiling gently. She’s one of the kindest people I know. She works as the school nurse and is always there to help. Standing tall, her smile is warm and comforting, though sometimes a little too much when you look up and see it first. It can seem a bit strange, but her caring nature makes up for it. She hands me two pills and a glass of water. “These will help with the pain at the back of your head. There doesn’t seem to be any serious injury—just a little blackout. Don’t worry about it too much. You should be fine in three or four days. Just rest, and take care of yourself,” she says softly. “Yes, ma’am,” I reply, swallowing the pills. Mrs. Fleming leaves, and as soon as she’s gone, I realize that I never asked what happened to me.
I’m alone in the room now. The ticking of the clock above me fills the silence. It’s strange, but it feels comforting. I take a deep breath, soaking in the quiet. This silence, this loneliness—it's something I’ve gotten used to. It’s not new. I’ve lived in it for so long that now, it’s almost like a friend. A friend that you can always count on.
The more I’m alone, the more I crave it. People, voices—they feel like a curse. You avoid conversations, make excuses to stay away from crowds, and keep to yourself. It becomes like a shield, a way to protect your mind from the chaos outside. But the silence comes with a price. The more time you spend alone, the more your mind starts to speak. It will make you think about things that don’t even matter. It will twist your thoughts until you become something you don’t even recognize. It makes you feel like a stranger in your own skin. People begin to avoid you because you’re different, but that’s exactly what you want. You enjoy it. You need it. But the longer you stay in it, the worse it gets. Your mind can break you, slowly, painfully. But you’ll still want more. Even if it destroys you. Even if it kills you...
And sometimes, I wonder if that’s already happening.
As I sit alone in the room, trying to make sense of everything, the door suddenly opens. I look up, and to my surprise, Tina walks in. Tina. Of all people, she’s the last one I expected to see here. And to make it even more surprising, she sees me and smiles. My heart skips a beat. It’s like someone just kicked it into overdrive. I don’t know what’s happening to me. My hands are suddenly sweaty, my breath shallow. I sip the water nearby, trying to calm my racing heart. She walks closer, and every step feels like it’s taking all my energy to stay calm. “Hey, Aarush, how are you? Got hurt pretty bad, didn’t you?” she asks. My cheeks burn. I feel like a fresh tomato, red all over. “Yeah, it seems bad luck never leaves me. But honestly, I don’t know what happened. Just that the back of my head hurts a lot,” I manage to say, surprised I didn’t stutter this time. Usually, every conversation with her turns awkward, and I end up making a fool of myself. But this time, somehow, it was different.
I normally avoid conversations, not wanting to make a fool of myself, but with her, it’s different. She makes me want to open up, to talk to her, to actually enjoy a conversation. I could listen to her talk for hours. I could watch her laugh for days. But, of course, that’s not something I’m allowed to do. She’s popular. She’s always surrounded by people, always laughing with Aryan, her boyfriend. And me? I’m a nobody. The guy on the outskirts. She doesn’t know this, but things weren’t always like this between us. Years ago, we were inseparable. We spent every waking hour together, running through the halls of school, sharing our hopes and dreams. I remember those moments vividly—her laughter echoing as we played, both of us carefree. But things changed when we entered high school. Tina blossomed into one of the most popular girls in the school, the center of attention. And I... I turned inward, hiding away in the shadows. The more she became a star in the social scene, the more I faded into the background. I started avoiding her, unable to deal with the attention she was getting. I told myself I didn’t deserve to be friends with her anymore, that I wasn’t worthy of sharing her space. It wasn’t that I wanted to push her away. No, it was the exact opposite. But the more I saw her with other people, laughing and being adored, the more I thought I was nothing compared to them. So, I distanced myself. I tried to disappear, to stop being the person she once called a friend.
Her words pull me back from my thoughts. “So, you don’t know? Actually, you got hit by a football while you were coming. It was shot mistakenly by Aryan. I apologize for him. He wouldn’t do it on purpose. I know him, sorry.”
Aryan. Of course, it’s him. Aryan, the popular jock, the captain of the sports team. The guy every girl dreams about. The one I hate more than anyone else in this school. He’s arrogant, selfish, and a total jerk, but to everyone else, he’s a charming, kind-hearted guy. Tina, unfortunately, sees him that way. She doesn’t know the truth. She hasn’t seen the side of him that I know, the side that makes me despise him. The worst part? Tina and Aryan are dating. They’re the perfect couple, and I just have to sit here, silently wishing that something would tear them apart.
She leaves after her small apology, and I’m left alone once more. But this time, the silence isn’t comforting. It feels suffocating, like the air has been sucked out of the room. My mind races as jealousy burns inside me. Every time I see them together, every time they laugh and touch, I feel this knot in my stomach. I can’t help it. Why can’t I have those moments? Why can’t I be the one to make her laugh? I feel angry, bitter, and selfish. I know it’s wrong, but I wish for something to come between them. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but if it means I can be with Tina, then I’ll do anything.
If they won’t break up on their own, maybe I’ll make it happen. Maybe Tina deserves better than him. And if that’s the case, then I’ll be the one to give it to her.