every felt lonely in a relationship?
ever longed for desire?
ever felt like you don't belong?
ever felt trapped?
ever felt like you made a mistake ?
ever stayed for the sake of your children ?
ever felt wrong for feeling these things....?
if you d...
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so as i'm feeling a little irritated i decided to maybe have a talk with him , to maybe try to get through to him and make him understand that , I'd like to spend some quality time with him, but boy did i put myself in a situation where i'm crying yet again.....
as he's sitting there playing his game i decide to open my mouth and say something.
" i'm bored , could we do something"
" if you're bored get up and do something, i'm not bored i'm relaxing"
i laugh a little to be honest , at how ignorant he can be,
" but i want to do something with you other then playing COD"
" well i'm playing now"
" can you please just not play for once I'd like to talk"
" you know i can't pause this"
i'm getting so irritated with i'm now, like all i'm asking is for a few minutes, i'm not trying to fight with him i just want to talk is that so bad?
" you know if you would take me on a date sometimes, or spent some quality time with me that you wanted too , i wouldn't mind you playing for how ever long you want , but this is getting ridiculous"
" we have no minding , and were busy all the time"
" what do you mean my mom said if we were to go out for 2 hours she would mind our son, and he's in school for crying out loud! these are all just excuses. do you even want to be with me anymore?"
" oh just leave me alone, get up and do something! STOP NAGGING ME WOMAN! i want to RELAX!"
at his tone , my head falls down.... he never speaks to be this bad ... " okay i leave you be"
"good THANK YOU"
i turn my head towards the television to try and hide the tears falling , but i give up and get up to head to the bathroom and close the lid of the toilet to sit on. i take some tissue and cry into it, feeling like a failure. all i wanted to do was talk and spend some time together , is that so bad? why did he marry me?
sometimes i think were still together just because we have our son , but for me that's not a reason to stay in a relationship. Although growing up , my dream was to have a happy family , where both parents are together not separated but of course that's just a fairytale .
i think back to when he used to want to be with me , and more tears trail down my eyes. How could i have been so stupid to fall for all of his lies....
flashback
" how many kids do you want?" he asks me while hugging me. This bench has so many memories we come here all the time especially at night.
" umm i think two and you?"
"same here i think two is great but maybe three who knows. so they have each other you now"
" yeah that sounds better."
he kisses me passionately and i melt into him .
" promise me this wont ever change Diego , i don't want us to grow apart when were together longer , I've seen it so many times that it's got me scared. i want us to love each other always , and i don't ever want us to stop enjoying time together, please promise me"
he smiles down at me." of course curry fry , i promise. i don't want that either, i want us to be happy and i promise you I'll make sure of it"
end of flashback
i get up and wipe my tears away , i can't keep doing this to myself, he's shown multiple times that he doesn't care anymore. he doesn't care about what i have to say yet alone my feelings, honestly at this point i don't think he would care if i left.
i look at myself in the mirror and the person looking back at me isn't me anymore...who am i ? i am not this person , i don't cry over boys and i certainly don't cry when they shout and disrespect me so why am i letting him do this to me?
i think i'm ready to call this 'quits' , and i am doing it this time. i know if i go in there telling him that's it over he will just laugh or smirk and say 'don't you have anything else to say besides that, you always have just way to resolve an argument' , mind you i tried everything , including planning dates, doing cringe shit like making him little cards with saying like 'you light up my world' , yeah i know cringe, or all the time i ordered some 'spicy' lingere knowing he loves that shit , and fucked him like he wanted me to. so yes i know , i cant just go tell him , i think i have a plan this time and i'm going ahead with it.
is this it?
Fuck yeah!
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