Heartful Whispers

Kabanata 35

I have known him during the last year of junior high school. He's probably all around the school being the talk of all girl groups in each classrooms. I only noticed him that particular valentine's day. I wasn't exactly an outcast but I lack social skills to even get a piece of every gossips about him.

But I cannot deny the fact that our very first encounter left something in me. I have been approached by boys since I was very young, but it was only Leonel who made me nervous, cautious, secretly excited.. and many more.

I never had a preference for a good-looking guy. Pinalaki ako ni Mama na pag-aaral lamang ang makabuluhang gagawin ko. But then to Leonel, for the first time in my life, I was attracted. I couldn't admit it back then because I was holding everything back. I held back too much.

He wasn't just a handsome face. The days we spent during our youth opened my heart in knowing him with depth. He was raised well by his parents with the right manners and respect for elders. He grew up wealthy but he wasn't indifferent to those in grassroots.

For someone like him to care about me this much.. is something I cannot understand. I left him knowing how much he liked me. I should've had the decency to at least make a letter or even just a text message. I didn't. I couldn't.

The incident will be a forever nightmare to my family. The only thing we had in mind was to bring Ate Cora away from that place. My decision may be out of fear, overwhelm, and urgency, but that was the best thing to do for my young self that time.

"Hindi ka ba nagalit sa akin?"

I cried the first time I saw him after seven years. I missed him so much. The longingness and guilt were dripping all over me. And on top of it, I thought he was mad.

"I was.. I thought I was."

His breathing became audible, as if this conversation is taking so much from him. His eyes twitches as if remembering those days consumes him because those moments were very dark.

"Galit ako hindi sa'yo. Sa sarili ko. Kung sana hindi ko hinayaan ang sarili kong makaidlip. Kung sana hindi ako nagpatalo sa antok at pagod.. hindi ka makakawala sa akin nang gano'n lang."

Napasinghap ako. He blamed.. himself?

"I knew something was wrong about you. I was too scared to ask and meddle. I was waiting for you to tell me.. to ask help from me."

I'm behind to tear up. I shook my head and leaned towards him more. "Hindi mo kasalanan iyon, Leonel. Ako ang hindi nagsasabi ng mga nararamdaman ko."

Umiling din siya. "I understood your decision, Coli. It was only natural for your family to leave and try to start a new life. You were trying to save your sister for the memories that hunt her. I understand."

"P-Pero hindi ako nagpaalam sa'yo! Sa inyo," a tear fell. He wiped it right away.

"Yes, you didn't. But I wasn't mad at you because of that. I understand why you did it. You were just a young girl, Coli. You had to be a daughter to your mother and a sister to your siblings."

I bit my lip and allowed my tears to take over. I never even thought about these things. I just did everything I could for my family. Maybe I really was having a hard time. But I did not spend a lot of time thinking about myself.

"I was mad at myself because I wasn't able to do anything to help you. I was just there, following you wherever you go but I haven't done anything to help you carry those weights in your mind."

"B-Bakit parang galit ka sa akin noong una tayong nagkita?"

He pursed his lips and looked at me guiltily.