"In my life, there's been heartache and pain i don't know if i can fix it again. Can't stop now i have traveled so far. To change this lonely life. I Wanna Know What Love is" - Mariah carey, Memoirs of an imperfect angel (2009)
"Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you. But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly 'Cause I don't wanna reveal the fact that I'm suffering So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night Then turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry"
-Mariah Carey, Breakdown (Butterfly, 1997)
After i found out about Jaden and Emily were a thing i first off called Jayla asking if it was real. Once she said it was real my heart sank to my ass. I didn't know how to feel, i was still in love with him but he was with another girl.
Since i was in Atlanta and it was only like 9:30 I decided i would go spend the day with Jayla. So i got dressed in my Christmas pajamas because it's never to early to celebrate. I though it i looked very cutesy so i posted a cute little photo on my story
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I put on some ugg's, got my keys and dipped on into the elevator. Once i got to the parking lot i went to my White ranger over with all black interior. And i drove to Jayla and Nat's house. Once i parked i called Jayla just in case asking if she was home, she thankfully was.
Once i got out my car i walked to Jaylas door knocked on it, i heard her dogs barking and Nat yelling at them to be quiet then Jayla came to the door, she opened it and squealed and jumped to hug my, "COOKIE" "KIKI" we both screamed eachother nicknames. We walked into her house i said hi to Nat and the dogs. We all just sat on the couch till nat said, "Gotta go yall, Me and wanna gonna go workout." me jayla just hummed okay and they kissed each other goodbye and i just hugged Nat. Me and Jayla went to their room and laying down and then she got a call from Jaden and she said, "ugh, i'll be quick" "okay don't take to long sexy" i said and winked. we both giggled as she walked out the room. When she walked back in she looked kind of tense and looked at me with a im sorry kind of face. "So i don't wanna be a bad friend but Jaden just invited me to lunch with his new girlfriend, I asked if you could come though" i just looked at her with a smile on my face cause she's remind me of a cute little kid, "it's okay cookie, i'll go do something don't worry" i said as i got up. We both walked to eachother and hugged each other, "we'll hang out later today or tomorrow okay?" I just hummed mhm and i got my stuff and said, "bye cookie" as i walked out the door and she said "bye kiki".
I walked to my car feeling sick to my stomach. Once i got in the car i drove to the woods where there was a spot that no once could see you, a spot that Jaden had showed me. I went there and cried and cried my eyes out. I hate that i didn't listen to Jaden and breakup with Nicholas. I could have been so happy with Jaden i could have been in a apartment or house with him but no I decided to stay with a man that cheated on me GOD knows how many times. I was going crazy and the only person who i felt i could call was my Momma Jess.
I called her and she picked up, "Hey kiki, what's up?" i tried to talk but nothing came out of my mouth and she noticed "Baby what's going on? are you okay do you need help?" "y-yes" was all i could get out. "Okay send me your location and i'll be there as soon as i can" i sent her my location and she did get there in about 6 minutes. She ran to my car and opened the car door and saw me and i just cried into her arms. "What's wrong honey, what happened?" "I ruined it, i ruined everything" "Ruined what baby, you need to tell me so i can help you." i sighed as i didn't really tell anyone this, "M-me and Jaden, he loved me and i didn't want to leave Nicholas and now he's with Emily and i ruined it all" She hugged me as she said, "You didn't ruin anything, Jaden still loves you." I just cried and cried, " i wish i could go back in time, i hate my self" i said as i sobbed. "Kali i need to know right now, are you gonna be okay or no because i won't let you go if you're not okay" i just nodded no and she picked me up with all her strength, and put me in the passenger seat.
I sat there in the silence while she was just getting my phone, car keys and my bag. We left my car there as she drove me to her house. Jaden and Javon both have their own space. Javon has a house about 10 minutes away from Jess and Dj's house. And Jaden obviously has his rooftop apartment in Atlanta which is about a 30 minute drive. Jess had let me stay in Jaylas old room. She had communicated with Dj about what happened. I have no words for the amount of love i have for them. They have become my parents due to my dad dying when i was 16 and my mom died when i was 22. Me now 26. I miss them both very deeply, but i know they sent me Jess and Dj to help me cope with this. I Guess That all that plus what happend with Nicholas, Jaden, the recent memories of the trauma i went through as a kid, and the record label i was just with breaking the contract we had signed . That's what made me just breakdown.
