"Just can't seem to get over the way you hurt me...Don't know how you gave another who didn't mean a thing the very thing you gave to me"- Beyoncé, "Resentment"
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~ TARAJI ~
Amber returned home the next morning glowing and looking freshly fucked. I barely got any sleep last night. I can't sleep if I'm in bed alone, so I was already awake when she shamelessly walked in at 7 in the morning with her hair looking a mess and wearing the same clothes from yesterday, except they were tattered and torn. Her eyes were shining with satisfaction. I haven't seen her look this happy in a while, and I had nothing to do with it. That stings a little. It actually hurts a lot, but I have no right to feel anything after everything I've put her through. I just hope that she's done getting even so we can stop this madness and get back to really working on us. She didn't say a word to me. She looked at me, smirked and winked, and walked right past me to go into the bathroom. I sighed and laid back down as I heard the shower turn on. This shit isn't healthy. I don't know why we keep doing this. Our relationship was cursed from the start, that I knew, but I thought that we could make it work because we love each other. Now I'm left to wonder if it was ever really love at all, or if we were simply just trying to finish something that we started because it costed us so much. When she came out of the shower, she was wearing only a robe and a thong. I wanted to touch her just to feel like she was mine again. I feel so...unwanted by her. Is this how I make her feel every time I do this? This is torture. I don't deserve her. Maybe I don't deserve anybody. I'm so petrified of being alone, but maybe I'm not built to withstand an intimate connection with someone else. I couldn't bring my own daughter into this world, so how could I ever protect the person I love from getting hurt? This is God punishing me for losing Fantasia's baby. She never really felt like mine, and now Amber doesn't feel like mine anymore, either. Fantasia hasn't been mine for a long time. I own nothing. I am nothing. Amber sat at the edge of the bed with her back turned to me, moisturizing her body with glitter-infused body butter.
Taraji: Are you done now? Can we stop this?
Amber:*chuckles* I'm just getting started. I have a lot of fucking left to do if I want to catch up with you. You've been a busy girl. We're even when I say we're even.
Taraji: So then why even come home at all? Why didn't you just stay away? Why won't you leave me?
Amber: Why won't you leave me? You're always asking me why don't I leave you. Why don't you leave me? I know why. It's because you're codependent. You cling onto anybody that you can because you're so scared of being alone, and it's pathetic. There's not enough therapy in the world that can help you.
Taraji: Maybe you're right. Maybe I am beyond help, but that doesn't mean that I don't want to at least try. It doesn't seem like either one of us are leaving, so why keep hurting each other?
Amber: I knew that you would pull this narcissistic, manipulative bullshit. For once I treated you like you treat me, and now you suddenly want to be grownup about things and work through our issues? You're a fucking joke.
