Behind Curtains

Kabanata 59

Kabanata 59

Weak

I wasn't easily swayed. 

Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako basta-bastang naaakit sa mga salita gayung alam kong... mas gamay ko iyon kumpara sa karamihan. It was my major in University. I am a dropout, but I compared to many, words may be where I can be better than most with.

At doon din magaling ang Daddy ko.

I have read the most romantic poems and literatures male writers have dedicated to their women. In the same rooms, I have also studied their personal affairs. How each would have the most eloquent vocabularies to woo, to talk about their undying love; sweet nothings. All the while, having the most misreable ends caused by random sexually transmitted diseases.

About how a handful of female writers... would have the most heartbreaking ends because their husbands would cheat on them. How they could write the most heartfelt love notes, but be disallowed to publish, so their husbands felt privileged to steal them, like it was their birthright, masked as social responsibilities. Even if it should't be.

Words... were the easiest to manipulate. False promises and sweet intonations. 

Sticks and stones may break bones, but they don't cause heartbreaks as terrifying as what words can do.

Kaya, madalas, mas maayos pa rin ang huwag nalang magsalita. All words... can and will always be used against you. 

Actions can always be misinterpreted, but they almost always mean nothing unless otherwise stated.

And my Dad... was good at that. Not because he was a well-celebrated poet or even a wide reader, but because he was a nurtured flirt. Na kahit ilang beses mo pa siyang hulihin sa mga ginagawang milagro, he would always deny it.

And because he'd deny, wala kang laban sa kanya. Dahil hindi naman siya umaamin sa sinasabi mong ginawa o kasalanan niya, you'd end up being the delusional and paranoid one in the relationship instead.

Kaya nga hanggang ngayon... ay sila pa rin ni Mommy. 

My Mom would lash out, breakdown and cope in ways she deems right, pero siya pa rin iyong magiging mali sa ginagawang ingay. Hindi raw nakaka disente. 

While my Dad could be harsh, but he'd also choose stay away from the problem. To keep quiet.

He'd find reasons good enough to go on with his days like nothing big was happening. To shrug it off. 

Mahilig takasan ang problema, dahil naniniwala siyang lahat ng lalaki... nangangaliwa, kaya bakit siya, ay hindi pwede?

Kapag siya, bakit ginagawang malaking bagay? When everyone else's wives shut up and play blind about their own husbands' extramarital affairs.

Kaya, kamakailan, gawa ng minsanang pakikihalubilo, noong may naririnig na siyang mga papuring nakatunghay sa akin ... ay pahapyaw na niya akong binalaan. Na hindi basta-bastang maniniwala sa mga ganoon. 

Marahil ay totoo ang mga binibitawang magagandang salita at masarap sa pandinig, pero dapat ay pasalamatan lang ang mga 'yon at pinapalandas sa kabilang tenga. Hindi masyadong sinasapuso. Hindi masyadong nagpapadala. Huwag paglaanan ng oras at isipan.

Lalo kung galing sa mga bigkas ng mas matatandang lalaki. Bawal ang magpaikot at malaki ang magiging tsansa ng pagkakamali.

Dahil ganoon ang gawain niya.