vent stories about my life because I have no one to talk to

Day 1

Waking up once again, I despise it. I wake up every single day with disappointment, why you might ask? Everyday of my life is miserable and suffocating. I can't get rid of it no matter how much I try.

Despite this, I wake up and get ready for school, dragging my body restlessly across my apartment to get ready for the day. I hate it so much.

I sit on my couch with an emotionless expression, maybe not so much as emotionless but more of a numb, empty feeling. Just how I like it. Once again I open my medicine container and take one out, I contemplate about whether I take it or not, I don't.

I toss it into the trash can in my room for it to never be seen again. I feel guilty for not taking my medicine, but I want to feel like this...I want to feel this dark, suffocating, empty feeling that swallows me up into the abyss.

I put on a smile for my mom when she comes out of her room, I want her to think I'm happy, I don't want her to worry about me. I tell her about the perfect night of sleep I got and how excited I am for school today. I lied of course.

I can't stop lying, it's become a habit at this point. I tell her I washed my face and brushed my disgusting teeth, knowing full damn well I didn't even try.

I lead my mother downstairs to her car so we can get on our way to school, I set my things in the front seat below my feet.

It feels cold, I'm cold. I should have put on a sweater or anything of such. Why does it have to be cold? I wish I was cuddling my cats right at the moment, I miss them. They are the only thing that keeps me going.

I eventually make it to the school and dreadfully get out of the car and make my way into the building.

Skipping over homeroom, which is boring, I go to my first class. I quite like this class however, I'm currently diving deep into the French and Indian war and continuing onto the American Revolution. My teacher says we will watch Hamilton the musical, I'm anticipating that, I enjoy watching Hamilton endlessly.

Then I go onto second period, which is not stressful at all, I'm glad. I get to read Crime and Punishment in the library, but I am not looking forward to the 5 paragraph essay I have to write.

It was an okay time there in second period, I then head up the stairs to art, my teacher is amazing. He always wants to see the things I'm working on at home, but sometimes I can't tell whether he's upset at me.

I feel he might just simply be stressed about his job and responsibility as a teacher, but he looks upset. Is it me? Is it because of me? Please, I don't want to make him mad.

I internally calm myself down and reluctantly trudge over next door to German I. I don't find this class hard, but I dread it so much. I'm not sure why.

Is it the people, is it the mood in the room, or is it my teacher in general? I really don't like her all that much, just hearing her talk makes my want to dig scissors into my ears so I can't hear it anymore.

It went better than usual, for which I am upset and glad at the same time. I won't allow myself to be happy.

I head down to lunch, believe it or not but I hate lunch. I loathe everyone shouting at the tables, I simply don't understand it. What is so exciting about talking to friends you see daily?

Do you not find it boring eventually? I also do not understand the point of shouting at one another, are they not able to hear each other that well? I cannot tell.

I head towards the office and ask to sit outside the nurse's office so I don't have to deal with the rowdy bunch of kids in the cafeteria.

Unfortunately I get the miserable feeling of period cramps, my stomach is in pain and I want to lay down on the floor and cry and scream. I ask the nurse to lay down in her office and she seems mad at me.