ever since i was a kid, not many people apriciated me, i had couple friends and a realy broken family. Mom n dad always fighting about something, throwing me in middle like a ragdoll no one realy cared about, so i tipped my head down didn't speak up much n boiled in my own world, I had a sister n a brother who bouth were older than me so by time the arguments escalated to every night screaming matches they were off in universities or working generaly making theyr own lives away from the war zone that was our home. having a family business i was forced to work at every summer made me resent summers n look forward to the a little less crumbling school system n friends. so years after years of dragging myself deeper n deeper in the darkness of a teenage mind I escaped, or so i taught.
you see a tyrant always replaces a tyrant so once my whiny little always sorry excuse of a dad moved out, in moved my uncle. n yes a weird arangement cousins dad messin with my mother, but none the less came all the abuse, no thankfuly not phisical but threats of phisical pain and emotional warfare were not nice either wether it be his snarky comments about my weight or career choises n i must note i am nowhere near fat n even have an hour glass figure, at start i payed it no mind but his venom is dense n eventualy started seeping deeper n deeper into my councience, now not only did i have stability issues due to how unstable my dad was n fear of ever having alcahol just in case i might get adicted or cigarete smoke making my head spin n not in a good way with having a high but more like spiraling into near panick attack from all the times dad slamed the door to go smoke n the smell creeping its way to my room abowe our front door or the memories of cigarete smoke soaked cars cuz he never realy taught of his kids helth n smoked in the car with me pleading to stop, now i had fear of looking fat, never sucseeding n dreading every time i had to return home to even just greet my mother dearest who blinded by her love nevr saw the pain inflicted on her kids.
I escaped every dark taught into the world of books n games, just a little while after my 18th birthday i decided to try my hand at dating, n lets just say to the bagage i already had i added a couple new things a few stalkers n creepy men i falsley liked n should have never even swiped on. just a while later i taught hey what if i try non online things n had a week long situationship with my friends brother, not the brightest idea i know but it ened in him ending the non existant relationship trough text whitch was certainly an interesting choise so non the less i taught i had better luck in dating apps n so met my first realy boyfriend that lasted about well 5 months but reality was i dated him for the convenience n he was nice treated me like i actualy was human... well at the start than a little while after he became obsessed freaking me out n i got stuck in it 3 months in i was scared of the guy n didnt know how to leave so only way i taught it might change was if something drastic happened n coincidentaly i got invited to besties birthday party with plenty of booze n lots of single girls n being told to bring him along, important to note she did not know i was scared of the guy was scheming to get out of it cuz guy was built, did mma and had a tendency to violence when ever provoked tho hadnt yet been thrown twords me, i was scared what if his anger issues got the better of him n it sudenly turned to me, so a bunch of booze later n hatting myself for drinking cuz it reminds me of dad we got chitchating with the single ladies n at a turn of events they decided to figure out who was the better kisser n coming my turn n my frind being concerned i went for it kissing two girls that night one of them infront of my boyfriend, while i felt bad n he used it against me brain washing making me feel guilty n do favors on basis of guilt two months later i had had enough n admited i was a lesbian to him leaving him, i in fact am not a lesbian maybe slightly but i like men despite all my experiences so a few months later i met my sunshine n ride or die we been together almost half a year now n nothings fading he is great supposrtive n amazing, sounds ridiculous but he is healing me without even knowing it and making me realize how fucked the world has been all these years before him, how realy much i have turtured myself for things that are out of my control n that i am not a disapointment, a mess maybe but non the less lovable and human
