The Sorrow of Christopher Bahng

2. The dirty Truth

I knocked on Felix's door.

"Felix?"

I was nervous. I don't know why he wasn't talking.

"I don't want to talk."

His words cut me like a knife.

"Please, it's serious."

He slowly opened the door. I feared he was going to close it on me, so I pushed it open.

"What could you want from me?!"

I sighed.

"Look, about the night at the concert.
It was all faked. I asked them to be happy, for your sake."

Felix's expression changed.

"Are you serious?!"

I nodded.

"Chan, you made me think they were happy because
they were actually getting better! Not because you
made them act that way."

I watched as tears filled his eyes.

"Well it's not my fault you can't fix everything Felix.
That's just how the world works.
Not everything that is broken can be fixed. You can't
fix them. Or me! It's all broken, and it's never getting fixed."

He looked super angry and upset.

I feel so bad for snapping.

But it's true.

"Well, I can sure as hell try!"

Felix seemed determined.

"Well clearly you aren't good at it!"

Silence filled the room, Felix just stared at me. He looked down, then up at me.

"Okay, fine. I'm done."

He spoke one last time, before leaving.

I'm not sure where he was going, so I quickly followed him. Outside of the door was Seungmin, he grabbed my arm.

"Let me go, I have to get Felix."

Seungmin shook his head.

"You did this to yourself Chan."

I looked at Seungmin, trying to pull my arm away from his grasp. He didn't let go.

"Seungmin, let me go. Now!"

I raised my voice. It's not something I did often.

Seungmin tightened his grip on me. Pulling me against a wall.

"I need to go talk to Felix, Seungmin, let me go."

He sighed.

"You made your bed, now lie in it."

I hated when he used stupid metaphors. Especially whenever someone does something they shouldn't.

How can I sit here and deal with it?! I need to make sure Felix is okay.

"It's your fault, you shouldn't have made us pretend
to be happy, just so Felix could feel better."

I shook my head.

I feel like I know what he's about to say.

"You just got upset with Felix for doing exactly what you did.
Chan, you tried to fix him, even though you know it won't work like that.
In your own words 'Not everything that is broken can be fixed.' So
STOP TRYING TO FIX HIM!"

I felt tears run down my cheeks as I began sobbing uncontrollably.

Seungmin let go of my arm, pulling me into a hug.

"You have to trust Felix, sure it seems like it
won't work, but it takes time. Just like he has been
saying."

I put my arms around him.

"But, I hate it! I hate waiting! I can't stand it!
I miss how happy he was, I need him to be himself again."

I buried my face into his shoulder.

"I hate it, so much"

He sighed, running his fingers through my hair.

"I know. We all do, but trust me, it's all we need to do."

I allowed myself a few seconds to stay in Seungmin's arms. We let go of each other.

"Thanks Minnie. Can I go to Felix now?"

Seungmin looked hesitant at first, but reluctantly nodded. He released me to go find Felix. Who was sitting on a couch downstairs, knees curled to his chest, choking back a few tears.

I looked at him from the foot of the stairs.

"Felix."

He looked up.

Crying silently.

"Come here baby, I didn't mean to yell at you like that."

He got up, walking over to me. He hugged me tightly. We stood there for a minute. Felix didn't make a sound.

"Do you really think things can't get better?"

He finally asked.

I sighed.

"Listen, everyone has different opinions.
Mine, are very fucked up right now, sometimes
I can't even tell what's real."

Felix held onto me tighter before finally letting go. We looked at each other.

"I understand."

He said. He put his hands on my cheeks giving me a soft kiss.

"Can we go to sleep? I don't want to
be awake anymore."

It was a weird way for him to say it. But I agreed, picking him up. His legs and arms wrapped around me.

I walked him up to my room, laying him in the bed.

"It's going to be alright, I promise."

I kissed his forehead. I laid beside him. Holding him close.

"Goodnight Chan."

He was quiet. But he was still teary-eyed.

"Goodnight Love."

I watched as a very small smile made its way to his face.