I'm tired of living in the dark. I'm tired of hiding from people. I'm so tired.
I wish I was able to have a proper childhood. I wish I could've grown up without worrying about my future. I wish I could've just never been born.
do you see me? do you fucking hear me? how clearer do I need to make it that I'm asking for help?
I'm trying to be a person just as much as you. I'm trying to love myself. I'm trying so fucking hard.
nobody has crushes on me because I'm ugly and I'm weird. I'm intimidating and I'm annoying.
I want to be a person. I want to be happy, I want to be sad. I want it.
but I'm never enough. I'm never fucking enough, no matter what I do.
I learn so much useless and dumb shit. so much, all so I can feel atleast a little validated. so I feel fulfilled, even if it's for only a little bit.
I can't feel anything anymore. I can't feel good about my face or my body. I don't think I'm worth anything, to be honest.
"You have a really redeeming personality!" please just tell me I'm fucking ugly. please. I know, okay? I fucking know.
I don't care how you see me. I care about how I see me, and I'm disgusted. I can't even stand to look in a mirror anymore. I can't take photos of myself.
I don't know anyone that's struggled with their appearance more than I have. nobody helps, either. shitty advice, shitty comments. no matter what, I have to solve everything for myself.
and why the fuck can't I feel bad about myself? why can't I be a pick me about the way I look? what the fucks wrong with feeling shitty?
I just want everyone to fucking read me like I read them. it isn't hard, just look at me. it's easy to tell I feel ugly, because I am ugly. so don't say shit. don't take photos, just let it be.
I'm aware my skin isn't clear. trust me, I've noticed my nose has a bump in it. oh, yeah no you didn't have to mention the fact that my gums show when I smile, but thank you.
I hope people realize they do this shit to me.
harper commented on my smile 3 years ago, and I'll never let it go. evie commented on my skin 2 months ago, and it won't ever leave my mind. violet called my face gross and sticky because of my skincare after she touched it a few weeks ago. kaiden commented about the pitch of my voice changing a lot when I'm around people I trust 2 years ago. lyrehc said I was "too honest" 2 years ago. my dad called me loud 5 years ago.
none of this is relevant. I've said shitty things to people, everyone is guilty of it. I just want you to feel like I do. I want you to feel something in your gut when I mention your name. when I bring up something you said that has and will permanently effect my entire fucking being.
no man will ever love me. no man I love will ever love me.
just fucking shoot me already
