Spyridoula

Sunil was thirty years-old. All his life he'd dreamt of meeting a lifelong partner the old-fashioned way. "You know, organically. None of this GMO, online dating bullshit," he'd say. He'd thought of this old-fashioned way, how it would happen, like on his way out of the grocery store for example. His future love would drop her receipt. He'd hand her the receipt, lock eyes with her, gawk for a few seconds and then she'd say something like, "Wow that was really nice of you, here's my number." Or maybe on a Saturday, when he'd take a trip to the beach, he'd sprawl out and get hit with a beach ball and his future love would be like "Hey, are you okay?" And he'd say something like "Yeah." And she would just laugh and then ask him out because he would be too nervous to do anything like that. Or at the bookstore, browsing for a post-postmodern epic historical fiction about the life and times of Superman: What Made The Man So Super. He'd head straight to the section and find his future love picking out that exact book and he'd totally say something but then choke and just stand there like a weirdo. And she would look at him like who is this creep? And he'd do something stupid like strike a pose and she would laugh and be like, "Come on, let's go read this book at my place and discuss our future together." But after so many years of role-playing in these ridiculous fantasies, he'd become older, he'd become a hermit and he'd grown a shell on his back. His best friend, Dan, couldn't bear to see him this way; neither could he bear to see Sunil become a pet inside of a classroom of second-graders which is inevitably what happens when one fully matures into a full-grown hermit. Out of sympathy, he'd coaxed Sunil out of his shell, luring him out with a picture of a hot chick on a dating app. Sunil acquiesced. He downloaded the dating app and had become quite the swiper. After a month of getting the hang of it, he finally decided that it was time to turn pro...

The World Series of Professional Dating App Swiping

"MAKE SOME NOISE!" Screams the MC. A stadium full of hardcore fans scream and wail for their favorite players.

"If you're just joining us," Larry the Broadcaster says, "Boy, are you in for a treat. It's the World Series of Professional Dating App Swiping and we're down to the final round. Brought to you by Parents Inc. and Elo Systems. 'We provide the match, so your parents don't have to.' Professional Dating App Swiping has gathered millions around the world, bringing together the most talented single people ever. The fanbase has outnumbered the likes of esports and you guessed it, has even outnumbered the MLB, NFL, and NBA combined."

"Numbers don't lie, Larry."

"They sure don't, Jonny. Three contestants are battling it out for global dating app domination. The ultimate prize? A shot at their first date with their potential matches. As of now, they've reached the seventh hour, Jonny. That's seven full hours straight of heart-wrenching, swipe-left-or-right carnage."

"Better call the doctor, one of them's gettin' a UTI, Larry."

"Oh, they'll be getting more than that if they don't make it. As the players swipe on, let's take a look at Sunil's stats. He's a rookie, and boy does it show. His bio is all poetic and long like an Alan Moore novel. On top of that, after ten painstaking years, he's been without a girlfriend. CAN-HE-DO-IT?" Larry pounds the podium.

"Not even a hook-up, Larry?"

"The night with that sex doll on New Years Eve is his only exception..." Larry adjusts his headphones.

"That was a sad night. He cried himself to sleep, Larry. Not much going for him."

"Not much indeed...At one point, he even grew a shell on his back. But get this. He was this close to calling it quits until he got a call from his best friend telling him that it wasn't over."

"Incredible story. He's the complete package for an underdog."

"Throughout the years, these swipers have endured excruciating injuries: finger-cuts from cracked screens, cyber sickness from doom scrolling, carpal tunnel, spinal dysfunction, joint degeneration, broken hearts, the list goes on."