understanding something is a lot harder when you've never been in that positioned, but in this case you can understand, but not in the form I'd ever expect you to, essentially the second it went quiet is when I really knew, and when it became a little louder, I understood exactly, it was pictured the way I expected. When someone's gone for a long period they feel the loneliness and endure that feeling. But when they return it feels like you no longer want to speak to them, and that's how I feel. Expect it's the opposite it feels like you don't wanna talk, so I burned it, I mixed the numbers up in my head, especially when I found out whatever I hoped I didn't, but I truly did figure it out, lying is never a way to make things better, if anything it made me realize a lot, especially in the span of me being alone with my thoughts 24/7, those few weeks it hit me the hardest, I couldn't even process the words to describe the emotions I felt in that moment. But I'm a very understanding person, but now it's actually insane. All my friends were sitting there watching by the sidelines, especially her. I told her what the lie was and she was as shocked as I was, my heart felt numb in the moment because I was delusional enough to think someone could withdraw from past ways and become a brand new one. It's a silly move for me in the end, I remember the feeling when it happened very vividly too. I was under my blanket and when I read it, my heart sank and my throat wouldn't swallow the lumps that came in, my anxiety was so bad I couldn't feel anything besides my heart beat rapidly and the shaking I couldn't control because yet again, it was another cruising lie around another one. I'm starting to think writing everything down is so stupid but if I stop I won't be able to process what I feel. But I'm going to do what I should've done the first time this happened, maybe it isn't a way to go, but I'd like to do it now, and I hope I have the courage too, because if I don't now, I never will but I need everything to stop, and it will!
