Reckless Love

Chapter Ten* Unknown Feelings

We were walking home together cuz Damian has after school detention because his fight with Trevor.

So Josh got any plans today? Lynn asks her bright blue eyes staring straight at me.

I always get so uncomfortable pull in my chest when she looks at me, and it pisses me off.

I look away from her and at my feet.
No not really I gotta go to work but that's about it.

We keep walking, her footsteps light and quick compared to my heavier pace. The late afternoon sun filters through the trees, casting shadows on the cracked sidewalk.

Work, huh? Lynn says, her voice casual but with a teasing lilt. You're so predictable, Josh. Ever think about, I don't know, doing something fun for once?

I glance at her out of the corner of my eye. She's grinning, her bright blue eyes still locked on me like she's trying to read my mind. That pull in my chest tightens again, and I grit my teeth against it.

Fun doesn't pay the bills,I mutter, shoving my hands into my hoodie pocket.

True, she says, tilting her head as if she's really considering it. But it wouldn't kill you to live a little. I mean, you're seventeen, not forty.

I'll live when I've got time for it, I snap, harsher than I mean to.

Lynn stops in her tracks, forcing me to stop too. Jeez, sorry, she says, crossing her arms. Didn't realize 'fun' was a touchy subject.

I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. Look, it's not... I didn't mean it like that.

She studies me for a moment, her expression softening. Josh... you're always so serious. Sometimes I just wish you'd let yourself relax, you know? Not everything has to be about responsibilities.

Her words hit harder than I want to admit. I know she means well, but she doesn't get it. She doesn't have to work five days a week just to keep the lights on at home. She works to, and helps pay for stuff but I still work more.

I start walking again, hoping she'll drop it. But of course, she doesn't. Lynn isn't the kind of person to let things go, she's a lot more out going when she warms up to you.

So, where do you work again? she asks, falling back into step beside me.

The diner on Oak Street, I say. Not exactly glamorous, but it's a job.

Hmm, she hums thoughtfully. Maybe I'll see if then need some help the job I have now is....annoying.

The thought of her showing up at the diner. laughing with the customers, drawing attention just by being her usual, glowing self makes my stomach twist. It's bad enough having her prying into my life. Seeing her there, in that part of my world, would be... too much.

You don't have to do that, I say quickly, trying to sound casual.

Oh, but I want to,she says, flashing me a mischievous smile.

And just like that, I know I'm doomed.

By the time we reach the house, I'm already dreading the awkward silence that always seems to settle between us once we step inside.

Lynn unlocks the door, pushing it open with her shoulder. Home sweet home, she mutters, kicking off her shoes and putting them neatly by the door. I follow, dropping my bag by the couch before heading to the kitchen.

You want anything? I call over my shoulder, already rummaging through the nearly empty fridge.

Eh, I'll grab something later, she replies, flopping onto the couch. The springs creak under her weight, a sound that's way too familiar by now. She picks up the remote and starts flipping through channels.

The fridge is as pathetic as I expected half a loaf of bread, a carton of milk that's probably past its expiration date, and a sad looking apple. I grab the apple and lean against the counter, taking a bite as I watch her settle into her usual spot, legs curled under her.

Don't stay up all night watching those crime shows, I say, my voice sharper than I mean it to be.

She doesn't look at me, but I catch the slight twitch of her jaw. You're not my dad, Josh, she says evenly, though there's an edge to her tone.

I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. I'm just saying. You've got school tomorrow.

So do you she shoots back, finally looking at me. Her blue eyes are sharp, cutting through the dim light of the living room.

What's your point?

For a moment, neither of us says anything. The air between us feels heavy, like it always does when we're too tired to pretend things are normal.

I'm not trying to start something, I say finally, pushing off the counter. I just... I don't know.

She softens a little, sinking deeper into the couch. Yeah, me neither.

The sound of the TV fills the silence as I head to my room to change for work. The door creaks when I push it shut, but not all the way I never close it completely. Something about that feels too close off. I guess I'm claustrophobic.

I can hear her moving around out there, the faint hum of her voice as she talks to herself or maybe to the TV. It's strange, living with her like this. It's been months now, but some part of me still hasn't adjusted. Maybe I never will.

I grab my work uniform off the chair and slip it on, the motions mechanical. The diner isn't glamorous, but it's steady, and steady is what I need.

When I step back into the living room, Lynn glances up from the couch. You working late?

Yeah, I say, grabbing my keys off the counter. Don't wait up, Damian will be home soon anyway.

She snorts. Like I'm staying up for you. Go make your tips, Mr. Serious.

I shake my head, but there's no real bite to it. As I open the door, I hear her voice again, softer this time.

Be careful, okay?

I pause, my hand on the doorknob. Yeah. You too.

The door clicks shut behind me, and for a moment, I stand on the porch, staring at the darkening sky. No matter how much we argue or how different we are, there's something about her being there, waiting, that keeps me grounded. Even if I'd never admit it.