What's wrong with me?
I ask myself everyday what's wrong with me.
I was born with everything that no one wishes they had.
When I was young I would always get bullied for having lices, or for not bringing lunch to school, for not having cool toys like others.
It was really hard for me to want to go to school but I had to since it's something you are obligated to as a child. But I don't remember having any big problem, I was just a 5-8 year old kid I didn't understand anything.
As I grew up I started experiencing hate, people who dislike me, Family issues, relationship problems, insecurities, low self confidence, depression, anxiety, and self hate.
Insecurities : I'm insecure about my whole body, I have hip dips, im fat, I'm full of strecth marks, and cellulitis, my side profile is really ugly, there is something wrong with my chin(side profile) my nose is really big, my under eyes are really dark, I have hair loss, I can't get rid of my lice's they keep coming back, my arms are too fat, my thighs are point on its side, I have a line around my eye which make it look like my eyes are like skeletons, my whole body is ugly.
Family issues: since I moved to Framingham my older brother started hitting me even more, I would cry like crazy, it would bleed sometimes, I was abused (violence), he made my arms purple once or twice...or more, he really hurt me, his still aggressive but not as much as before (I try to keep my distance) I would always tell my dad, and he would say that he was going to punish my brother, but punishing would be saying "don't don't do that again" and done.
My mother abandoned me when I was 4-5 I used to protect her whenever anyone said bad things about her, but as I grew up I realized they were right, she didn't want to be with us, and she wasn't ready to have children's that's why I was told she had us by accident.
When I was 11-12 I started cutting myself, school found out I had to tell my dad, my dad told me I could talk to him and for me to not do that again, I believed him and began venting to him sometimes...(he didn't change/he did nothing about it/ he forgot it the day after) anything I tell my dad he used it against me as arguments, he would also tell others about it without consenting me *without my permission* I'm 14 now, in this 14 years I went though so much, and even tho people would say I could count on them they didn't actually meant it. I still hurt myself sometimes, sometimes I need some space/time so that I can think about my own life.
I don't have privacy, if I was changing in my room my brothers/dad would just barge in and do whatever they wish, they wouldn't apologize they would just be shocked or whatever and then after I scream they would leave. I was taking a shower and I was listening to music, my older brother didn't like my music and through it was too loud he spanked the bathroom door until it opened (I was naked and I was taking a shower) he would stay for about 5 seconds and then he would go away (this happened 2 times) recently (end of July) I was taking a shower and then I locked the door, but the door wasn't actually locked and I didn't know, my dad entered the bathroom without knocking or anything and the water was running so he heard it made me so uncomfortable, I hated looking at myself in the mirror after that, I was disgusted. (I always feel disgusted but I felt even more)
My family makes me so uncomfortable they talk about a lot of inappropriate stuff and I'm the only girl living with 4 diff mans (I'm not sure if I can call them man they don't act like one) My dad has no respect for me, he showed me a picture of him and a (girl) friend of his and she was in the beach (he zoomed in her tits and said she was really pretty) I mean how would you feel? Every time I'm in the beach with them they would talk about the girls and about their bodies. They would watch inappropriate movies normally. They would say shit next to me like it's nothing. Yes, I already told my dad that I feel uncomfortable, yes when he entered the bathroom I told him I felt uncomfortable (he said it wasn't his fault that I didn't lock the door) yes when my brother entered the bathroom while I was in twice he was okay with it, he blamed me. And when I tell him I like a boy in my school in the most innocent way, he would make me feel uncomfortable.
My mother isn't an example also, she walks around the house naked with my grown up brother and my other brother, and as a girl I feel uncomfortable and tell her but she doesn't care. She talks about sex and virginity all the time when I'm with her and my brothers, she make me feel insecure about my body all the time, making me stop eating and to share with my younger brother (even tho he literally ate the whole thing)
I learned about what sex is when I was 8-9 because of them, once (I was 9) I searched up "Roblox sex"/"roblox pelado"
My brother took my iPad away for almost a year. My brother is 11 he searched "mulher pelada mostrando a periquita"/"naked girls showing there pussies" how did you think I felt? I immediately told my dad, can you believe he did talk to my brother but he asked him why did he do that, and my brother denied saying it was just one time because his friend told him to (did you guys believe this excuse?) I checked and his been serching this for about 3-4 days in a row. My dad was okay with it.
I can't sleep at night, I have problems at school, I have friendship problems, I have self doubt, and I hate myself and who I am, I don't really succeed when it comes to love, and I hate being screamed at (I'm sensitive) I often think about killing myself and I'm not afraid to say it but yes I'm half way afraid to do it, I really wanted to marry and have kids, but as I think about it I see it's impossible.
My whole life I've been getting gordofobico/comments about me being fat, since I was young young, this made me rely on food and anytime I felt bad I would eat, my opinions don't matter, what matters is what they think about it. This comments got stuck to my head anytime someone would say something that was offensive to me or something linked to being fat It would get stuck to my head (comments like, olho grande, gulosa, gorda, baleia, come demais, gigante, você é grande etc) it makes me wanna cry you know.
I hate physical touch from my family (mans) I've been through so much that now when I see a man looking at me no matter how I'm related to him I feel like they are looking at me in a dirty way which makes me uncomfortable around mans, I hate myself because of that, the way my dad hugs me or touches me I feel uncomfortable, with anyone not just my dad, I only feel comfortable around girls since I hate man. When my dad is playing or joking or mad at me he would spank my thighs my grandpa also slaps my thigh jokingly, it's sooooo uncomfortable I try not to look at this in a bad way but I hate it so much, I already told my dad to stop but he doesn't care, and when I'm talking to a male gender I always stare at their eyes and when I look at them and I realize their eyes drop to my body even if it's a Quick Look it makes me uncomfortable. Honestly I do and I don't want to live with my dad anymore, I hate feeling uncomfortable and I'm scared I will get abused or whatever any time. I already have no privacy nor anyone respect me so yeah.
"I love you" okay 👍🏼 I can't say it back, I don't believe in the word I love you, it comes out so fakinly (it sounds fake) it's just not it, so if you tell me that and I don't awnser back is cuz I'm doubting myself a lot, and I don't like to say it until I'm not sure cuz I would be lying.
I hate myself👍🏼 but I don't blame no one, I only blame myself for making my own self miserable )
Eu só normal teenager stuff (sometimes inappropriate) I mean I'm 15, puberty hits hormones change and Thats it, fuck off. Like Thats the only reason I understood my brother when he searched that shot, cuz it's growing up.
Hhhmm I like to read Yaoi/ Bl manhwa sits just really good, some people might judge cuz there is some naughty scenes but I don't like them because of them, sometimes I do skip some scenes because of disgust or because im tired of seeing it, but it's just so much drama and it's much more interesting then normal shit
Extra/opinion:
"There is probably people who suffered more then you" "you are a coward" "blah blah"
To be honest I don't believe in the sentence "there is probably people who suffered more then you" how do you know how much someone suffered when you didn't even experienced? There is no such thing as suffering more than the other, each one of us feel things that are in a extreme level for someone and for someone else in a low level, different people have different opinions. All I know is that I know what I went through and I know it hurt so bad, but it doesn't mean I suffered less or more then someone else.
I love my family especially my dad and my siblings, it's just really hard to go through all that
