Past, present, and future me

The past is history

It's the last day of November 2024 ... tomorrow, I'll be checking my November goals list, and God, I am not ready to face it ...

It was a cloudy day, I guess... I am not quite sure I haven't left my room the whole day , but I know for a fact that it wasn't raining.  I am glad kinda?? I hate it when it rains ...

The sounds of millions of water drops hitting the ground , the dark cloudy sky, the empty streets , the wet clothes ... I used to love it , I used to until last year . I can't help but remember the days I had to go through when it's raining. It's like a reminder of those times , a reminder that can never leave my mind .

The darkness in my dorm room , the only source of light was my phone , the endless scrolling on tiktok , the heavy feeling of loneliness and the hate I was feeling towards myself,  the tik toks were getting more and more relatable,  I wanna cry , I wanna run away , I want someone , anyone! To hug .. to talk to ? To laugh with , to eat with ... I was looking at the girls in the dorms cafeteria having dinner together, and it was my only dream to have a ... friend . It's not like I don't know how to make friends ofcours,  I was so popular in high school,  I had too many friends that ... just left me when I moved to college. I was afraid of making new ones... I was afraid they'll leave me too .

I knew that's how life works , but I only accepted it later , when I realized I didn't even know how to make friends anymore .

I was miserable,  I am not the person that can live alone , I am not the person  I thought I was and I never realized how much impact people had on me , until I tried living alone , I spent 4 months by this state , first it was nice and I liked the freedom , but as time flew by I started missing the old times , I started realizing I love doing stuff with people , I loved being around people,  I loved people,  I am quiet but I am not an introvert !

I had to make friends I guess ?? It's not like I can live here for another 5 years all by myself, right ?

At this point in my life I didn't know what the future held for me at all , if imma tell that rini from a year ago about the whole shit that passed she'd be so surprised and ... glad . Glad I- no , WE made it . I wanna hug her with a smile and tell her "just trust me you'll be fine" .

One thing I didn't realize by then was that watching haikyuu would change everything, the moment I decided that yeah fuck it I'll watch this show cause why not , after dropping anime long time ago , I never expected that a bunch of high schoolers playing volleyball would change my life .

I think you guessed by now ? YEAAAH  I joined a volleyball club obviously !

How , when , and why ??

Well after finishing haikyuu I was sooo hyped , and I realized it's been two weeks since I last left my room and touched some sunlight not just grass , I by a chance saw an announcement for a volleyball club at our dorms , I asked and got some informations and finally when time was up, I found myself standing face to face with the court's door , my heart racing to an abnormal speed and the anxiety was killing me , I had in mind that I may have to interact with my soon to be teammates , but I kept in mind that I don't want them to be my friends,  just teammates . I couldn't bring myself to open that door and step in , when I saw a girl standing there and I asked her if she is a volleyball player and she nodded,  we entered together and I was quiet,  and distancing myself from the others , they seemed friendly but I... I just couldn't .

I had in my mind one thing, work your ass harder .
They were all so much better than me , I was literally no one , not even a bunch warmer , I bought a volleyball,  one of my loved adventures but I'll keep it for another time as a filler chapter ^^
I started practicing alone every single day I'd wait till it's time and go early , I sucked , I watched soo many volleyball tutorials for beginners and I started improving, I fell in love hardly with volleyball.  It was the only thing keeping me alive , the only reason I'd wake up and get out of bed .

My volleyball journey is the only thing I can never forget about 2024 , withing it I met cherry ... she was just a teammate,  then at some point she became a friend ? Which was weird , cause I promised myself I ain't gonna make friends... and then I am suddenly caughting myself smiling at her messages , giggling and kicking my feet , waiting for her to text back and smile and have the will to live after talking to her , feeling like I wanna be productive, I was scared at first , cause brooo !! I never fell that fast for someone before !! I only loved my sisters and my best friend before ! It was the first time I ever experienced such feeling,  the respect I had for my older sister, mixed with the deep love i had for my best friend, and the feeling that I need to protect her that I felt for my younger sister , she was my mj <3

The fact that if I didn't decide to enter that court that day ... probably I wouldn't have met her ? I can never imagine a life without her .

Well , I am getting sleepy right now,  I still have tooo much to talk about , but maybe I'll keep it for tomorrow or who knows when ?