Haunted

t o x i c

✫ ༒ Joey ༒ ✫

I awoke with a pounding headache and tremors wracking through my body.

I knew where I was immediately, because I spent a lot of time in this bed. Not to mention the brown hair that was fanned across the pillow next to mine.

A wave of hunger clawed at me. Not hunger for food, but hunger for heroin.

I'd let the addiction take control. I was disgusted thinking about how far I had fallen. I was letting myself become my father. I was poisoned on the inside.

I looked back to where Gabby was laying, her back was to me and I couldn't tell if she was asleep or not. I shifted closer to her and pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder.

She sniffled in response.

I felt myself freeze.

She sniffled again, and then she choked out a sob.

The last few days events came back to me and wrapped me up in the familiar feeling of shame. I'd hurt her...again.

"Gabs," I forced out. "Baby, I'm so fucking—"

"Stop," she whispered, intertwining her fingers with the hand I had draped around her. "This isn't good, Joe. I know it's not good and I feel like an eejit. But I can't get my heart or my head to stop loving you."

I knew she was hurting, and I knew that it was my fault. Hearing her say she loves me while I'm sober was both terrifying and exhilarating. I loved her too. She was the only person I'd ever loved that wasn't produced by my mother.

"I can't keep doing this!" She cried, turning to face me, "I feel like I'm dying when I'm with you but I'm dead when I'm not. Everyday I'm terrified that you won't come back to me, that you won't wake up."

I could feel her tears on my shoulder and that only broke me more. I wanted to make it better, show her the better side of me but I was so fucking tired.

No one needed to love me if it hurt them this badly.

"Gabriella." My heart broke in my chest. "It kills me that I've done this to you."

"I can't walk away from this, Joey. I know you, and I know there's so much good in you. I need you to see the good," she sobbed, burying her head in my chest. "I'm going to keep loving you, and fighting for you. So maybe find a way to stop breaking my heart, because I can't handle it."

I'd done this. She was sobbing in my arms because of me. This is why you don't have nice things, my brain screamed at me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered as I held her to my chest. "I'm so fucking sorry."

She cried louder and my lungs squeezed so tight, I felt like I couldn't breathe. She continued to sob while I died on the inside.

Do it, I was screaming at myself and I knew I had to. This girl was too good, she had too much going for her, I had to save her.
From me.

"This is toxic," I strangled out, holding her tightly. "I'm toxic for you."

"I don't care!" She cried, "you're all I have. I need you."

"That's the point," I choked out, releasing her from my arms and climbing out of her bed. "I'm fucking toxic to you."

"Joey, no," she looked at me with her big sad eyes and I almost gave in. "We can do this, I promise."

"We can't," I swallowed, "we shouldn't."

I grabbed my shirt from the floor along with my pants and began getting dressed.

"What are you doing?" She asked, her eyes wide with fear.

"Please don't make it any harder. We both know that I need to go." I blew out a breath as I threw my shirt over my head. "This needs to end and you need to let me do this for you, okay?"

"Joey," she shook her head. "Just stop. Let's talk about this."

"Gabby," I looked at her and I knew there was devastation written across my features. "I have to leave. All of the pain? All of the dumb, fucked-up shit I've put you through, I should've ended this a long time ago."

"No," she sniffled, climbing out of bed and wrapping her arms around me. "You can't do this! I'm strong, Joey. I know how addicts are, I know how hard it can be and I'm willing to live with it. We can make this work, I know we can."

My arms instinctively went around her body, even though I was attempting to break up with the girl. She just made me feel so safe, so loved, so normal. And that's exactly why I had to do this, because she was so fucking good and I refused to let myself taint that.

"I want you to know something, Gabs," I refused to let go of her. "That day I first saw you, I knew you were it. You are an angel, Gabs, and I know you want to save me but you can't. I'm sure I said a lot of fucked up shit over the past few days, but I really love you, and I know it's a fucked up time to say that but I needed you to know."

I felt her tears falling onto my chest and I forced myself to let her go. I had to.

"Don't do this, Joey." She sobbed, frantically shaking her head. "I need you and you need me. You can't just walk away from this."

"I have to," I swallowed my tears. "I need to do this. I was always going to fuck this up, Gabriella. I'm only sorry I didn't do it sooner."

"Just go," she sniffled, wiping her eyes as more tears fell. "If you want to walk away from us, be my guest."

I knew she was forcing herself to be angry, and that was okay with me. The anger would turn to hatred and that would help her move on from me. She didn't need me, I was dragging her down. She was going to be a doctor for fucks sake and I was going to be dead in a ditch before I was twenty.

We were complete opposites and I needed to protect this girl from my world.

"I'm sorry," I said again, as I reached for the door.

"I'm sure you are," she blinked rapidly. "Now get out."

And I did exactly that. Leaving my heart in her bedroom, I climbed down the trellis and onto the hard concrete of her driveway.

Let her go.
Let her go.

The words echoed in my head as I forced my feet to move away from her house.
Away from her.