Dear No One... [Tori Kelly]

20-07-2015... 11:14pm

Dear no one,

I'm breaking. I'm breaking and I don't know how to fix myself. I can't let anyone in but I so desperately need someone. I just keep circling back to the toxic habits which are placing me into this cycle of regret, pain and self-hatred which is eating away all that I was. All the things that made me the person who I was so comfortable being now just drain me of any emotional energy I have. I don't see my friends anymore because I just physically can't and even when I do I feel like I'm communicating to them through a mask. I want a boyfriend or someone to hold, someone to truly love but I can't let anybody rely on me for any sort of happiness because I can't even do that for myself and I can't let anyone go done with this ship so to speak. My passions are now just workouts where the only thing that matters or occupies my mind is thoughts of how many calories I am burning or whether I look fat. Food never used to be an issue but now I cannot remember a time where I wasn't planning and scrutinising every mouthful, or being eaten away with guilt for consuming too much or for having the wrong types of it. I just need an escape from all of this. I feel my life spiralling out of my control and I am feeling the effects. My motivation is almost gone and I don't know how I can turn this loathing into a positive outcome for myself. I'm lost and I've lost. Yet even as I say that some small part of me hasn't given up but that's also the part which gets crammed and dismissed by the rest of my messed up mind, shaking the foundation of my self-belief. I want someone to hold my hand, to pick me up and just break through my depressive cloud but all the while no one to know a thing