She...

Letter to my love...

Hey the only 'Love' of my life,

After so long that felt like an eternity to me, we talked, like finallyyyyy! I can't express how enchantingly happy I am. Yeah, I know the beginning was unexpected because the death story of Yeontan became the reason for you to message. The death news is actually really bad, unbelievable and painful but I wish, Taehyung gets the strength to cope up with it!

Well, about us? Yeah, I thought I will not talk to you. I mean to stay away from your life but, god knows what invisible strings are attached to us that, no matter what but, whenever you message or call me, I run off to you leaving everything behind.
I mean I never did this for anyone, like legit anyone, but you? Your one message or call is enough for me to melt and forget everything. Do you have any idea how each little action of yours makes me spellbound. I wonder, how can anyone have such an effect on me? But then I realized, it's just you, only you, always you!

I felt really really bad when you said -

'It's okay if you don't wanna talk, I'm not forcing you'.

'I can understand whether someone wants to talk or not.'

'It's okay I understand.'

Like, you were talking about yourself? I don't wanna talk? And with whom? You? You don't even have any idea, how each and every single passing moment, I literally die to talk to you, to hear your voice, to know what you are doing, to know how you are doing , to know what's going on in your life, to know whether you're happy or not, to know if you have any trouble, to know like, each and every single thing about you for god's sake.

I felt really bad that I avoided you for such a long time, to not reply to your texts, to stay away from you, to behave like strangers, to leave you all alone when you trusted me and needed me the most and......and for everything that I did which hurted you, unintentionally. I never intended to hurt you or ignore you. Like baby, it's you. How can I ever try to hurt you? I can't even imagine to do this, even in my dreams. Hurting you is the least thing I can ever expect to do.

It's just, I thought I should stay away from you, for like forever. Not because I hate you or anything, god that's not even possible. But because, I wasn't able to digest the fact that, now, you're in a relationship with someone who's not me. I can't see you with someone else, fuck I can't even hear about it. Even imagining the thought that, someone else is talking to you, touching you, pampering you and most importantly, getting loved by you, it shatters me drastically. I needed some time, actually a long break to digest this new piece of information. Because I can't pretend to be normal in front of you, knowing this new news about you.

Again, it's not that I hate you, I can't okay? Also, I'm not angry because you, obviously, didn't do anything wrong. As I always used to say that, it's your life so you can do whatever you feel like. It's just one feeling, the feeling of unbearable pain. Yeah, it was too much to accept. It is hurting like hell, actually more than that. I wish, I could tell you all of this like I used to do before. Like, what I'm feeling currently. But it's about you so, I can't. I don't want you to blame yourself unnecessarily for me being hurt. i don't want you to feel guilty about my situation, when you are, literally, nowhere at the fault. I'm feeling hurt and that's my problem, it's not your fault at all.

But yesterday, I told one of my friends about all this. You won't believe it, before your message came, I was talking to that friend about you, about us, about our situation. I was telling her, how unbearable it is, to stay away from you. I was telling her that I don't wanna lose you. And then, your message came. I told her about all this and, she said one thing that made me confused as hell. She asked me that-

'Do you believe her, whatever she said about her relationship?'

I said-

'No, it's too hard to believe but, she won't lie to me right?'

And what she said next was shocking. She said that-

'Maybe, she's lying about her relationship. Maybe she's just faking all this to make you stay away from her already. So, you won't get hurt in the future? Because, I have a strong feeling that she's faking about all these things.'

This statement caught me off-guard. Like, I want to ask you whether all of that is true or not. Because if you think, by doing all these, you can make me unlove you. Then, you should know that, nothing can ever make me unlove you. You will be my first, last and only love. But by doing this, you're only making it worse, because it's not doing anything except hurting me more. I wanted to clarify all these things with you but, I don't know how? I'll just wait for the right time I guess, yeah I will.

But whatever, in the end, talking to you made my day. Thanks for always putting efforts and not staying away from me. Even after such a long gap, I felt the same, the same way we used to talk. It felt like we just talked a day before only. It's good but not surprising though, as I always used to say, even if we talk after years, my feelings and me, won't change for you. Just the only thing that felt kinda off is, the way we avoided to be all flirty and open. I know you might not want to hurt me or give me hope anymore. So, I understand that. Let's just always stay in touch. Yeah, I'm saying this because now I see, no matter how long I try to stay away from you, it's not gonna change anything between us. Instead, I will always pull more towards you and I will always return to you. I can't help it, I love you so deeply afterall. Thanks for messaging.

Lastly, even if I'm not in a good mood, just don't give up on me, please? Please keep trying to talk to me, no matter how long I don't reply back. Because you know how I am, an overthinker. If you'll give up on me, I will completely break. So please, hold onto me. I know, maybe it will take a little longer to respond, due to my fucking idiotic mood swings and overthinking. But please cope up with it. And I promise, I will always return back to you my love.

Okay then, I guess now I'm feeling better. I was overwhelmed yesterday after talking to you. But now, after writing the letter, even though you'll never read it, it felt like I shared everything with you. Thank you for everything my baby.

Ok then, stay happy, healthy and keep smiling and keep making me smile too, with your messages lol, hehe!

I love you so so so much my baby!

Urghh again,
maybe always,
Just friend,
Your Khushi

★~~• 3 December, 2024 •~~★