Swallow My Pride

Chapter 1

Author's note: Some words were taken from Reign Season 2 episode 22. I own nothing.

He was staring out the window that outlooks the beautiful lake near the castle, the sun is almost setting and it's display of colors are reflected on the serene and clear water, the view made him think and reflect about the past few months of his life. So much has happened, too much, some might say. But like the day, his life is also reaching its end, he has known for weeks that his health is deteriorating, his remaining days are counted and he doesn't know how long he'll last. After crushing the coup lead by his wife's former lover, he decided to dedicate his remaining strength to the planning of the future. Everything must be planned ahead of time; decisions must be made, and quick. His country's future, his family's and his wife's are all at stake if he doesn't act now and considering that he's the only one who knows about his aggravating sickness (except from Nostradamus), he's the only one who has the power to change things while he still can.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the door open, he turned around and saw his wife entering the room.

"I hope you don't mind. I thought we should talk."

Mary walked towards him, her hands rubbing each other. She seemed equally nervous and hopeful.

"No, I don't mind at all." She replied to him

He watched her carefully and spoke

"You asked me if I could ever forgive you..." He looked down carefully picking the right words and stating them in a manner that will not offend his wife. "For Conde... for everything that's happened, and at the time I couldn't even conceive of it. I thought, of anything, it would take years" years that I won't have, he thought to himself, his eyes careful for any sign of disappointment in Mary's eyes, but he finds none.

"I'll wait... even if it takes that long, not because we're wed or because I have nowhere else to go... but because I love you" Mary said while walking closer to him, Francis looked at her with relief in his eyes and this time, it's Francis who's moving towards her.

"You've proven that... and more—"

"Your mother would say we are stained but such choices, such brutal and difficult choices we've made but we can only do our best—can we not make another choice, one equally hard but so... important—to commit our hearts to each other no matter what?"

"If only it were that easy..." Francis said reflecting on the countless times they've blatantly said that their hearts belong to each other, but through time, they've both realized that those words were meaningless... they have both gone astray and gave their hearts if not their body to another... they tried to stay true to their promises but they failed... miserably, repeatedly.

"It isn't... it's terrifying and nearly impossible... especially if we think we can save each other" and by that, Francis turned around, his eyes closed as though in pain. But in all honesty, he is in pain, both physical and emotional. He turned his face away from Mary so she won't have to see how hard this must be for him. He still doesn't know if he can ever truly forgive her for what she has done... she has broken up with him, repeatedly. She has gone to another man, she has pushed him away to other women, countless times. She was willing to abandon both him and his country so she can be with her lover in Scotland, even after he allowed her and her lover to stay in French court with his protection. He has lied for her but she lied to him in return. She has planned to send 2,000 French troops to Scotland while he is on his deathbed, she helped Conde escape even after betraying her... all these have left a large hole in Francis' heart, Mary's betrayal has made him doubt their love, it made him weak both physically and emotionally, he still doesn't know how to salvage their marriage, much less commit his heart again to the woman who has crushed it repeatedly...

"we can't... we can only love each other" Mary continued as Francis closed his eyes, he forced himself to make a decision that will change both of their lives.

"Francis..."

He felt Mary's gentle touch on his left shoulder, he turned around but still kept his head down, not quite ready yet to meet her gaze. He took her hand to his and finally his eyes fell on her, filled with equal parts of desperation, love, and understanding. In that moment, he looked at the woman in front of him and saw a woman that has hurt him but also a woman that he loves the most, at that moment, when his eyes look at hers, looking desperately for a sign of sincerity and for another promise that he will hold on to, that's the very moment that he swallowed his pride and put all the hurts aside for a tiny glimpse of hope. At that very moment, he was in a rush, in a rush to fix things between them before it's too late, in a rush to arrange a future for his wife and his country, in a rush to mend their marriage and make it appear strong despite his broken heart, at that moment he didn't know if he became selfless or selfish. Selfless because in all honesty, he knows that he doesn't have to do any of this, he really doesn't have to force himself to forgive his wife, he doesn't have to swallow his pride and mend their marriage too soon, he doesn't have to pretend that all she has done is okay because it isn't, it still hurts him, immensely. He can just go on with his own sickly life and just die leaving a regretful Mary and an unstable country. But it is also selfish in a way that despite everything that he is thinking, he knows deep in his heart that he wants this, he wants them to get back together, more than anything, and it's also selfish in a way that he's giving Mary false hope, letting her believe that everything will be okay when in reality, things are just about to get worse.

So he leans down and he lets his lips touch hers, clearly there's already too much thinking going on when all he has to do is give in. He savors the moment and pulls her body impossibly closer to him while he guides her towards the bed. He has come to want this, there is no denying that, and he wanted — even if only for a second — to believe that everything will be alright, he wanted to forget everything, and in her arms, that's what he did.