LET HIM GO

Autumn. When the leaves fall. The dawn before a new beginning. Life wasn't supposed to change. I was supposed to stay the same. A new year, in a new place with so many faces of which I recognized none. Life was supposed to be simple. At least for me it used to be. School, home, study, sleep and the cycle repeats. But then I guess what everyone says is true. There is more to life than school and home. There's a place outside this comfort zone- the rest of the world.

I met him in college. You couldn't actually say 'met'. I saw him for the first time. He was in a different branch than me. I saw him when I passed his class one day. I didn't know what it was. Some people call it love at first sight. Others call it an infatuation. I prefer the latter. I didn't even know his name. I would see him every day, but never bothered to ask anyone his name. May be I was fighting myself for why I needed to know it.

Days passed and then months. Infatuations weren't supposed to last. Was it? Then why did this one? I kept questioning myself. But the harder I tried, the more difficult it became for me to let go. Some people would call it silly. You are hung up over a guy and you don't even know his name? Does he know you? Well that was the tough part. He didn't even know I existed.

Every day I tried to push him out of my mind, why is it so hard? To forget someone you don't even know? I keep telling myself to let go. But I can't. Why is that? I have criticized all my friends during their heart breaks. I waved it off as something so silly but now how am I so broken even though nothing had happened.

When I told my friend Aditi, she laughed.

"Oh my god! The critic has fallen at last!" She said through her laughter.

"It's not funny. Not even close." I fired back, really annoyed.

"I'm sorry. It's just that, you were the last person on earth that I expected something like this to happen to." She said "Anyways, let's find out the lucky guy okay?"

"No. I don't want to" I said firmly. "I said this to you to make me feel better, not because I wanted your help"

But the one thing about Aditi is her curiosity. Within an hour she found out about him, something I couldn't do for the past year. Then I guess, I never tried.

His name was Varun. Same year as I was. He's s class topper and extremely talented singer. Not that it was important. Because well, he doesn't evenknow me.

Second year passed in a flash. And then third year began. Aditi can be very persuasive, which can be very annoying. All through the year, she suggested different plans to somehow meet him, because, according to her, before you know it final year may pass and I will very much regret it. Though she didn't get a chance to meet him, she became BFFs with his best friend, who just happened to be a very old classmate of hers.

But that's when fate intervenes. Whenever we get to talk to his friend he is never around.

Sometimes when I look at him, I see a sadness in his face, like he's hiding something. Some pain that he doesn't want to show. He smiles through it, but when he's standing somewhere alone, he drops that mask. But then, it's not just him. Every one of us has that side, don't we? That dark side we refuse to show, the one that we push down every time and still tries to resurface. Each one of has that dark secret. It's what makes us who we are.

"His parents got divorced" Aditi said "Ashish told me. They had been fighting for a while and finally it was over. He was always at Ashish house, because he didn't like to stay at his"

Why did I feel sad about it? Knowing he was in pain. Why did it make me feel sad? I always wondered what was going inside his head. Whether he was happy. Whether he was hurt. If he had anyone to talk to. It gets so frustrating, seeing him so close and not being able to know him.