A Collection of Short Stories

The Ballad of Billy the Brahmin, part I

My name is Billy. I'm a Brahmin from the New Reno area. For years, I've wandered the Wasteland in search of the fabled land of Brahmania. I'd been hearing stories of it since I was a young boy; a land just for Brahmin, with wide open land and banana yucca for everyone. It's meant to be a veritable paradise in a barren wasteland, untouched by the war, but none of the Brahmin I have met know where it is. It's location has been lost for ages, but I'm sure it exists. I've made it almost to the Mid West with no sign of it yet, but I won't give up until I find it. I've had quite a few mishaps in my search, probably the most interesting to tell being when I had to escape the Ultra-Luxe before the dinner rush. I was a little north of New Vegas when these weird humans dressed up all fancy wearing creepy masks grabbed me and a few other Brahmins. They must have used something to put us to sleep, because one minute I was running for my life through a wrecked old neighborhood, and next thing I knew, I was waking up in a meat locker with about a dozen other Brahmin. They were loud and very uncool about the whole thing, which is what I've always disliked about other Brahmin. I mean, sure, we were most likely going to be served up with some wine, but that wasn't a definite thing.

"What's going on here?" I asked.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE IS WHAT'S GOING ON," said a particularly over-reactive Brahmin. I could already tell I wasn't gonna like this guy. He was just too loud.

"You don't know that for sure. Just chill out," I said, trying to reason with him.

"WE ARE IN A FREEZER," the annoying one said.

"Yeah, you'd think that would make it easier for you to chill," I replied with my world-famous sass. Note to self: don't take this guy along when I make my daring escape. While Mr Drama Queen 2288 over there tried to cope with his sure imminent demise, I trotted over to the door, looking for weaknesses. "Anyone other than the guy who can only speak at 50 decibels above the normal level, do we know how many people come to check in and how often?"

"Just one or two every couple hours, but they have shocky-electric-magic-stick things," said a younger Brahmin over in the corner.

"Cattle prods?" I asked, holding in my deep sighs of contempt.

"Yeah, those. We can't do much when they use those things," he said.

"If we all rush them the next time they open the doors, we might be able to get past," I said, "that is, if we can all stay coordinated, stay calm, and stick to a carefully laid out plan."

"YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GO PAST THE SHOCKY-ELECTRIC-MAGIC-STICKS?!" said the overly dramatic Brahmin. With those words, the entire pack tried to stampede a wall. It was obvious that they wouldn't be able to follow a plan to literally save their lives.

"Okay, okay, new plan; when they come to check in, everyone just make a ton of noise and rush them, then run like hell until you're out of Freeside. Can we handle that?"

"I dunno, what's in it for us?" said the Brahmin who had coined the term "shocky-electric-magic-stick things."

"You don't become dinner for a bunch of costumed freaks and you live to see another day," I replied, doubting that I'd ever be able to get out of here with these guys in tow. "Just be as chaotic and unorganized as possible. Judging by what I've seen, you're all pretty good at that."

"OH, YOU BRAVE SOUL. YOU'RE OUR HERO, YOU KNOW THAT? BLESS YOU. HOW CAN I EVER REPAY YOU?"

"How about you stop trying to make me go deaf?" I requested. It was the least he could do. "Alright, so we all wait in the back of the room. We don't wanna get caught in the doorway, so wait until they're in the room to go at them. Don't wait for me; I'll come out once everyone else is safely out of the room." I had succeeded in making it seem like I was being heroic while I was really just looking out for my own interests. As long as the rest of them took out the humans before I got there, I couldn't get shocked with a cattle prod. We all got into position and waited for the humans to come check in on us. Within a few minutes, the doors opened, and in came the creepily masked freaks. "CHAAAAAARGE!" I yelled, after which the rest of them stampeded out the door, making as much noise as possible. I followed them out, finding them running in the wrong direction once I got out. "Guys," I said, "this way." They turned around, looking confused, and began following after me down the hallway. We didn't run into any trouble until we got up the stairs and into a room where they were roasting dead, cut-open Brahmin with flamethrowers. Oh, the horror. The carnage. I still have nightmares. To think, I almost ended up like that. I mean, I would expect it from the other guys, but I could not end up like this. Petrified, we charged out of the room and into the restaurant. Confused humans tried to outrun spooked Brahmin, and I couldn't tell which species was dumber. Leading the way, I led the herd into the main casino, and out the front doors. We were a sight to behold: crazed Brahmin running from humans and Securitrons alike, running majestically down the New Vegas Strip. By "majestically," I of course mean that we had the formation and strategy of a group of Fiends hopped up on Psycho.

"The robots can't leave the Strip! Just get out to Freeside!" I yelled, but I don't know if it actually sunk in. Nevertheless, we made it out the North Gate and into Freeside, where we were greeted by more startled humans. "Alright, we're out. Good luck with the rest of your lives." I said to them.

"Wait! How are we supposed to get out?" said one Brahmin.

"I don't know. Find an exit probably. Just don't go back through that door."

"But we're lost without you!" another one said, "please, don't leave us!"

"It's really not my problem. I've already helped more than I normally would," I said, but they were making this goodbye take far longer than it should.

"We need your leadership! And we're stronger if we stick together! It's harder to take down a whole herd than one or two of us."

Unfortunately, they were right. They were hopelessly lost without me, and I could still use their numbers, at least until I got out of the town. "Fine," I said, "fine. Follow me. But when we get out, you're all on your own." So, I led them through the confusing streets of Freeside, meeting little resistance from more than starving peasants looking to eat us. We trampled a few here, scared off a few there, and eventually made it out the gate. Once we successfully escaped, we parted ways, and I went on with my quest for Brahmania, one adventure closer to my destination.