My asexual story

I really don't know where to start when doing something like this. But I guess I will say that before I came out as asexual, I have always known I was. Even though I didn't know what it was called or if it was a thing. I have had a couple of crushes in the past but never really meant anything. Is it hard being asexual? It kind of is. But let me start from the beginning.

My first crush was in elementary school. It was a boy named Nathan, or Nate for short. He was the class clown. I thought he was funny and I'm pretty sure I laughed at all his jokes. I really did like the guy. And somehow when we were in fifth grade, he found out. He claimed that he read my diary or something. I don't remember how that happened. But even when knowing that I liked him, he didn't really acknowledge my feelings. So after a while, it was just a regular day. He was just a boy and I was just a girl.

Once I was in middle school, I didn't really feel anything for anyone in my class. I just thought of them as classmates. There were times when the friends I made would ask if I had a crush on any of the boys. Truthfully, I didn't. But just to get them off my back, I would lie saying that I did and randomly say a guys name. Thankfully, those friends didn't tell me to ask them out. Some would say I was blushing when they asked me if there was a boy sitting at a table behind me that I liked. Now that I think about it, well yeah I was blushing. The question pretty much came out of nowhere and we were eating lunch then. And I hadn't noticed the table behind me only had the boys there. But I didn't say anything about whether I did have a crush.

Towards the end of middle school, a guy friend of mine came up to me and said that there was a boy named Will in our class that liked me. When my friend, Josh was his name, told me that I just blinked. I wasn't shocked or anything. It didn't seem like a big deal to me then. Sure Will was an alright guy. We sat together a couple times and I helped him and stuff. It kinda felt odd hearing that he liked me. But truthfully, I figured Josh was just joking and said "ok that's nice". Usually when I say "ok that's nice" it really means I don't care. But then all of my other classmates started swarming around me saying that Will liked me. If the whole class felt the need to tell me something like this then maybe it was true. But I still thought it was odd and continued to say "ok that's nice" or "yeah i heard" to each person who told me. I didn't say whether I liked him too. Like I said, he was an alright guy. And it was the end of the school year for middle school so we would have gone our separate ways anyway.

There were a lot of people in high school who said that I was cute. I thought they were weird for saying that I was. I didn't really see anything cute about me. So I would look or walk away from them. And there were also random boys coming up to me saying "hey, my friend likes you" or "my friend wants to talk to you". I would just stare at them and not move. I didn't believe that there so called friend would find anything interesting in me especially if I had no idea who they were. And I thought if his friend wanted to say something to me he would get off his lazy ass and come over himself to say something to my face. However, there was a boy younger than me that would kinda stalk me. I don't know what he found so interesting in me that he would do that. He'd try to hug me, kiss me, give me things, say he was in love with me. I was creeped out by him. We were in the same art class and sat together. So I must have done something there that caught his attention. I really don't know what. But I'd always run away if I saw him anywhere else. Luckily, I made a friend who protected me from him.

Ever since I made my friend, Chasiti, in high school my mom began to notice a change in me. But it was an exaggerated thought of hers. She thought that just because I smiled a lot around Chasiti and looked happy around her that I was in love with her. But I wasn't. Chasiti's my best friend. Yeah, she makes me laugh because we have some of the same interests and turns out to be funny at times. I don't feel attracted to Chasiti in any way. If anything, she is kinda like a sister. Besides, mom gave me the "kissing a girl is wrong" talk when I was a kid.

I remember that day. I was sitting on the couch watching my dad play a Matrix game. The game showed a scene similar to the one in Matrix Reloaded. Where there was that woman who wouldn't give Neo the information he wanted unless he gave her a satisficing kiss. Except the scene in the game was with the same woman and Niobe. Mom walked in when this popped up on screen and pulled me away to give me the lecture. Truthfully, I didn't see anything wrong with it. Besides the deal being a bit stupid because why ask for just a kiss. So while mom was giving me the lecture of being gay/lesbian was wrong I just shrugged as she spoke, not completely listening. Yet I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm a lesbian now.

When the beginning of college began, my life really took a turn for beyond weird and uncomfortable. I gained a boyfriend. Sure, I thought it would be a good thing to have a soul mate. But I jinxed myself. He was a good guy. He claimed to love me deeply. Wanted to be with me forever. All that stuff. But he was very clingy and a bit obsessed. If I didn't talk to him for a least a few minutes, he'd overreact and try to kill himself. Like he blamed me for his loneliness. And he was jealous of my relationship with a friend of mine who is like a childhood friend even though we weren't childhood friends. Since we didn't know each other in person, we'd have to rp our dates. But they were mostly just sex. And that began to really make me uncomfortable. So after a while, enough was enough. We broke up.

Most of these events helped me realize that I was asexual. The question of it being hard is true. There are days when I wish I wasn't what I was. You get the feeling of being left out more than usual and it hurts. Things get uncomfortable and weird. The constant feeling of pressure by your peers. It is...just too much sometimes. But this is who I am. I may not get sexually attracted to people by I know what attachment is. And I know there are people around me that I am romantically attached to whether I know it or not. Whether is it someone I know in real life, online, imaginary, or fiction. It is real. Now the question of whether I actually want to be in a relationship with them is something I have to figure out on my own. It will be hard, but what isn't hard in life? Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.