Lila's Heart

This Heart Will Be Forever Mine

This was one of my favorite type of days, when there's nothing to hunt, nothing to research, nothing to fret over. Today was one of those rare days, the bunker was empty, Dean and Ana having gone to get dinner. Sam and I enjoying the quiet of the evening in our bedroom, reading books we picked up from a bookstore we went to a while back while in Texas. Already distracted from my book I begin to think about my sister Lila. She was my twin and outside of Ana, she was my best friend. She didn't live long enough to grow up or even see her 16th birthday. She died before then. But her heart will always live on inside of me for as long as I'm alive.

"I can feel you thinking from over here. What's on your mind Hales"? Sam asked, dog earring his page, I cringed when I saw it and Sam noticed, looking down and mumbling a quick sorry to me and the book and replacing the dog eared page with a bookmark I bought when we bought the books. Sam knew I loved books. Old or new. He knew I was careful with my books. That means not dog earring the pages!
"My sister actually. Not Ariana. My twin, Lila. She died." I said somberly
"I didn't know you had a twin. Tell me about her." Sam said, putting away his book.
Adjusting my sitting position to Indian style I look down at the book I was reading and after closing it and putting it on the nightstand I begin to tell Sam the story of how I got my donor heart.

"I was sick a lot as a child, months at a time sometimes. That's when I was sent to live with my aunt Jenny in New York. My parents were to busy figuring out where the next hunt was going to be or how to kill a monster to worry about a sick kid. My aunt Jenny welcomed me with open arms. She welcomed Anastasia too, because you know a girl can't live without her best friend. Not to long after Ana and I arrived my sisters, Ariana and Lila came. Lila was my twin and besides Ana, she was my other half. Aunt Jenny never had children of her own but she was always welcoming someone into her home. She was the one to take me to the doctor. The news the they gave her weeks down the road was only the beginning.

I was 15 when I discovered I was sick, deathly sick as a matter of fact and a heart transplant was the only thing that was gonna be able to save my life. But kids don't really understand that you know? I wasn't going to survive without it. But the truth is, everyone's heart is special. I needed one that perfectly matched mine.
My parents and stepfather were hunters and this wasn't something supernatural and this wasn't something they could fix and that scared them.
My family rallied around me, my aunt, my mom, my sisters. Anastasia became my biggest supporter. My stepfather even located my biological father, a man whom he despised because he abandoned his children before they were even born. He was a hunter just as my mom and stepfather were. But his family never came first, he had no problem admitting that having a family was not something he signed up for. So he left, he simply walked away.

But that was okay because when Lila and I were 4 and Ariana was 7 my mom married a man, Mac, who would become and would be til he died, the only father my sisters and I have ever known.
Anyways while I was waiting for a donor heart, my twin was in a car accident that left her brain dead...but her heart was alive. And surprisingly one day my father did come, it was while Lila was on life support and my family was almost all out of hope and getting ready to say goodbye to us, I remember the day so clearly, he gave the doctors permission for me to have Lila's heart against my mother's wishes but even then he never stayed. Not even years later when I buried Ariana with no one except Anastasia and Jenny by my side."
Sam knew how much Ariana's death affected me.
The look in his eyes told me he knew how much Lila meant to me.

"What's it like? Having someone else's heart inside of you"? Sam asked
"It's weird you know? The people you love are so clearly focused on the fact that getting this--this piece of someone else is going to keep you alive. But then you realize that for you to live someone else had to die. Everyone's going to tell you that its meant to be, that you shouldn't feel guilty. But you will. My heart belongs to Lila. I went into the operating room sick and dying and came out with my sisters heart". I say, remembering the day, though it was over a decade or so ago.
"Do you miss it"? Sam ask
"My heart"? I clarify
He nods, "Honestly, Lila's heart has been mine for so long that I never really had a chance to miss it when I had it but when Lila died and I was given her heart I got a second chance, not everyone can say the same. Lila's death taught me that some days you wake up and just know how lucky you are to be alive."

I knew it was a lot to take in. Sam has seen the scar from by surgery before but I have never told him about it until this moment. He has never pushed me to tell him where the scar came from. But I wanted Sam to know about Lila. Even if that meant telling him about how she died.

"There's something I learned not long after Ariana's death" I said
"And what's that"? Sam asked, I pushed Sam back on the bed and straddled him, saying "sometimes people come into your life and you wonder how you could ever live without them."
I reach for his shirt, slowly undoing the buttons one at a time. I then move to the second layer of his shirt, a simple white v-neck. Helping him rid the shirt, I notice the muscles along his back.
Smooth skin stretched over tightly rolled muscles. I could probably do a weeks worth of laundry on his stomach. The guy worked out and then some.
Every part of me was hyperaware of how aware my body was, how much I wanted him, how much I wanted this.
With Sam now taking the lead my shirt and bra are the next thing to go.
Sam notices the scar in the center of my chest and I mention they are from the surgery but seeing them makes me insecure. "Don't be. Scars mean you survived"

Making quick work of his belt and our jeans, he flips me over, so now I'm under him and my wrists are pinned over my head.
The shock of his roughness quickly fades as he frees my hands hands to explore my body.
He kisses me hard and in responce I encourage him by leaning into the kiss.
He releases my wrist and I run my fingers through his hair.
This wasn't sweet and tender love making, it wasn't going to be quick either.
It was rough and demanding and wonderful. Every time with Sam it's like this.
Dragging his mouth from mine, looking into my eyes, he whispers to me, "you've spent your whole life waiting to die. Maybe now is your time to live. Lila's heart belongs to you, Haley. Lila's heart is yours"