Blood Money (1) | The Inheritance Games

XLVIII. the outside

"So, how can I ever try to be better? Nobody ever lets me in, and I can still see you, this ain't the best view: on the outside looking in. I've been a lot of lonely places, I've never been on the outside."

Noah.

"You have all the same privileges and yet you've been through nothing! If you get assaulted you can talk to me about how hard my life is. And I hope to God you never do, because let me tell you, it's not fucking fun!"

The words echo through my mind for a solid 30 seconds. A moment where I have to blink quickly to ensure the tears don't get the chance to escape my eyes.

I look to my twin, who looks at me like I'm a different person. I furrow my brows, but then I cast my eyes on the mirrored wall behind my sister.

My fists are clenched with rage. My cheeks are flushed. My body's shaking with temperament, looking like it's ready to snap. Like I'm ready to hit her. I look like him. Everything about me resembles my Father in that moment, and I want to shrivel up and die.

I drop my fists, shaking with disgust and fear of myself, pushing my feet to walk out.

The second I get outside, I can't contain my emotions. I punch a locker until blood cascades down my wrists from my knuckles.

I break down sobbing, my back against the wall, head in my hands.

The door clicks open, I don't bother composing myself, I know already it's Maja.

"Go back inside, Maj." I speak rawly, my voice torn and wet with tears. 

"Are you alright Noah?"

Not Maja.

My eyes flick up, hands instantly dragging across my cheeks and demolishing the tears. The woman with dark skin and thick bouncy curls kneels down before me.

I blink at Quinn, knowing based off her face that she knows something. 

"You want to talk about it?" She asks sensitively. "Nothing to talk about." I grumble, closing my eyes and rolling my head back on the wall behind me. 

"Healing isn't talking about what happened. It's talking about how you feel. It doesn't have to be scary." She assures me with an encouraging smile.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I shake my head with anger. I feel another tear drip out my eyes and instantly bat it away. 

"Is there an adult you trust a lot, maybe one that you really like?" 

I furrow my brows. I know the answer to that already. No. I trust no adult, except Grams. And I can't tell her. 

She notices my silence and nods with understanding. "You trust me?" She asks hopefully. "I guess." I nod. Not enough to tell her this. I wouldn't tell anyone this. Not even Xander. The only people who know are Jameson and Maja, and they didn't actually see what happened. They just saw a snippet of it.

"You think you can tell me what happened, or at least how you feel?" Quinn suggests.

I know that's a trick question. 

"I know how this works. I tell you how I feel, you pry for more, and then you report it all to the headmaster." I say numbly, sniffling.

"I'm not a teacher here, I'm a volunteer. That means I don't have to tell anyone anything." She shrugs. "You said that to Spencer about her eating disorder." I state.

"That was an immediate risk to her health." She reminds me. 

So is this.

"Thanks for offering, but I'm not cool with you prying things out of me. I'm not okay with you knowing my shit." I snark, not even apologising for the curse that slipped out.