There are times that I have thoughts about being unfair to my daughter. That I think of being a bad incapable mother to her. And when those thoughts come especially at night, I get back to zero and be someone who does not know what to do. Iniiyak ko na lang siya, tapos hihingi ng tawad sa anak kong natutulog ng mahimbing sa tabi ko. And when the morning comes, I act as if those nightmare thoughts never visited me, and continue to give my daughter the best smile and hug I can give her as I leave and go to my work habang siya ay maiiwan sa pag homeschool niya.
Minsan nga napapaisip pa ako, nararapat bang maging ina ako? hindi na para sa anak ko, but as me, a Mother. Do I even have the right to be like that? Do I deserve that?
My years as I started my journey when Maddy came into my life was never once not over filled with those kinds of harsh thoughts. True, no one said those to me, It was my own doing, giving myself the worst kind of compliment I could get as a person, as a mother.
Naawa din ako sa anak ko, lumaking walang kinikilalang tunay na ama. Lumaki na hindi kailanman nakaranas na pumasok na aktual na paaralan. Lumaki na wala manlang natatawag na Lolo at Lola. Other kids were living their normal lives to the fullest, habang ang anak ko ay naiiwan sa tunay na normal na buhay na dapat niyang maranasan. At kasalanan ko ang lahat ng iyon.
I'm not neglecting Kiko and Val's presence and dedication to my daughter all these years. Itataya ko ang buhay ko kapag sinabi kong sobrang laki ng pasasalamat ko dahil nandyan silang dalawa, taos pusong tumulong saakin na makaahon, hanggang ngayon.
And those thoughts were set aside because of them. And also because of Maddy. Nakakayanan ko dahil kay Maddy. Dahil sa anak ko. She has given me the assurance, at a young age, she has given me the strength and contentment I needed to know about her. Bata pa nga ang anak ko, pero parang kaedad ko lang kung makapag usap saakin.
Naiintindihan niya, inintindi niya, tinanggap niya. Para saakin. And I couldn't help but brag that I might be the luckiest Mother to ever live. All because a daughter like Maliyah Denzelle exists.
"Dapat talaga may mga nag de-deliver din dito sa isla eh. Tapos imbes na katulad nung mga grab na naka motor, naka helicopter sila o hindi kaya jet!"
Nilagpasan ko si Kiko para kumuha ng plato sa kabilang banda ng lamesa. Tumingin ako sa mga pagkain na nakahain sa table breakfast buffet, marami iyon, sa mahabang lamesa. Curious and having paranoid thoughts when I saw that the foods served were less seafood and more into meat and vegetables, I shook my head and quietly just placed food to the plate.
"Nakapag order sana tayo ng mga fastfood. Tapos mabibilhan ko pa ng sundae ang favorite Maddy ko." I heard Kiko hissed.
"Hm. Lusaw na wala pang nakakarating yung sundae." I said while not looking at him.
"Wow. E'di ipapa lagay ko muna sa ref nila dito tapos ibibigay ko lang kay Maddy kapag lumamig na siya again." He replied that made me look at him emotionless. Nakangisi pa siya na parang proud.
"I always wondered, ginagaha ba yung utak mo?" Tass kilay ko sakanay kaya naman nawala ng ngisi niya sa mukha at napalitan ng busangot na mukha.
"Nakabalik lang ng Pilipinas, bumalik na rin ang magaspang na ugali eh no?" Aniya
Sabay kaming bumalik sa lamesa namin matapos kong hinintay siya saglit na mag lagay ng ulam sa plato niya. He's holding two plates in both hands. Ang isa ay sakanya, ang isa ay nilapag niya sa harap ni Maddy nang makarating kaming sa lamesa. Ako naman, ang hawak kong plato ay nilagapag ko sa harap ko bago umupo sa harap ni Maddy. Magkatabi naman sila ni Kiko.
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