Pain, something I longed for. Pain was the only thing I was taught, toxic love was the only thing that made me feel alive. A kiss mixed with poison was the only thing that left me begging for more. The pain was the only thing I needed, I didn't know what true love was. I was blinded by the abuse, I thought I was nothing but a toy. I was okay with that, because it was the only thing that I knew. My body was used for nothing more than sex and abuse, but I never knew there was more to life other than that. I thought my only purpose was to be used as a toy. I thought I was nothing more than the abuse I embraced. Pain, toxic, abuse was the only thing I was used too. I was never treated as a human, but I couldn't escape. I didn't know I could, I thought this was the only place that I could call home. A place where strangers come in everyday, where I was used as a toy, where I was abused, a place where people where free to do anything they wanted with my body. A place where I thought abuse was how you showed your love. That's how I was raised, I didn't know any better. I thought that this was the only thing that made me feel alive. It hurts, the bruises, the blood, the sex was getting to much for me to handle.
I could barley look myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted with myself. The abuse increased everyday, as my body was violated, I felt nothing but pain and it was too late to be saved. No one cared about me, I was used as a toy and nothing more. I was nothing more than a human punching bag, nothing more than a useless sex doll. How was I supposed to know this was wrong, I was never treated with respect before. I was never treated as a human, I was a thing. How was I supposed to know I was worth more. Everything I lived for was abuse, I never felt anything else other than the pain people put on my. People I didn't even know. I was nothing more than the toy I was raised to be. I thought the toxic I had to live through was something I deserved. I didn't think anyone would care for me, I was nothing I was worth nothing. How was I supposed to know right from wrong, how would I know how to defend myself.
My use was to please others, and only get pain out of it. I was only used for sex and abuse. I didn't know how to escape, I didn't know that there was more to life than what I was going through. Now here I am at a police station, while they ask me questions about what happened in that house. Someone called the cops, because the neighbors saw something suspicious. 17 years of abuse, and someone finally called the cops. I felt filthy, I felt worthless. The officer asked me so many questions that I couldn't seem to comprehend. He told me he'd find me a place to stay, but I was scared to go anywhere. I felt exposed. I didn't want to go through more pain, I couldn't it was too much.
"Miss please calm down, I'll keep you somewhere safe." The officer laid his hand on my shoulder, I didn't know he was trying to help. I thought he was out to hurt me, how was I supposed to know he wouldn't? I've never felt anything other than pain, so how was I supposed to know. I felt my breath give out as I started to feel dizzy, and everything started to turn black. I was scared, I couldn't deal with the pain. My whole body was filled with bruises, fresh and old cuts, scares, fresh and dried up burns, hell there was even burns. My body was a toy, that's the only thing I was taught. I lived my life where the pain was the only thing I thought love was. I didn't know. Why did people think this was my fault? What did I do? I didn't know I swear, maybe I did deserve the pain.
