Tasting the sweet Forbidden

Yourself: your home

Jessa Asher Mariano

Habang nilalanghap ko ang sariwa at malamig na hangin ay kusang bumalik ang lahat ng mga nangyari. The memories of the painful past that I endured, alone.

I bit my lower lip kasi parang maiiyak na naman ako. It was hard to let go of something rare and beautiful but it was also heartbreaking..

Hindi pala talagang magmove on. Hindi ganon kadali ang lahat. People always say 'Okay lang 'yan. Makakamove on ka rin' like it's easy. Sana nga ganon lang 'yon kadali. It's not always okay. Or more like 'kaya mo 'yan. Ikaw pa e ang tapang mo.' I know they wanted to motivate you but it's just that...even the strongest heart gets exhausted.

"Lumalamig na ang kape mo." I hastily wipe my tears as I heard that voice pero mukhang nakita niya narin dahil nakaupo na pala ito sa tabi ko. Siguro ay kanina pa siya nandito. Hindi ko lang namalayan.

"I'm sorry, Mommy." I smiled at her dahil alam kong mag woworry na naman siya saakin. Sa sobrang worry niya sinundo niya ako ng Pilipinas para dalhin dito sa Switzerland where she's staying.

Well... Switzerland is beautiful for those who wants to run away from all the pain.

"Nah you don't have to say sorry just because you're weak and vulnerable. Okay lang maging mahina anak." She said.

Natahimik ako saglit bago nagsalita. "I feel like I'm stuck here...parang ang tagal ko naman atang magheal.. Until now, nandito pa rin ako. Hindi ko nga alam ang gagawin ko after 3 months, 5 months or even after a year.. parang nawalan na ako ng gana.. I don't have a clear vision of what I want. Parang feeling ko napapag-iwanan na naman ako. " I heaved a deep sighs. "Ang dami kong nasayang na oras..."

"It's okay to take your time, Asher. Kung sa tingin mo hindi ka pa okay edi hindi ka pa okay. There's no point in rushing quickly towards a life that will not fulfill you or heal you. It is okay to slow down. Wala namang masama kung magsimula ka ulit. It's never too late to change your mind and pursue what you really want." She smiled genuinely, comforting me.

"Bata ka pa lang, anak. And it's okay to fail again and again. You can always try again." She added.

I bit my lower lip. "Daivynn wanted to try again. For a second chance."

"Then what do you want? What your heart wants?"

She tilted my head. "Is it selfish to choose myself, Mom? I know...baka inisip na ng ibang tao na makasarili ako for leaving her like that after what she been through, which is my fault."

"Who said it's your fault? It's no one fault, anak. Hindi mo kasalanan 'yon at hindi din kasalanan ni Daivynn ang nangyari. Sadyang nakatadhana ng mangyari 'yon. And you're not selfish. You must forgive yourself for the moments you had to make hard decision for choosing yourself."

I had to choose myself. I don’t want to keep trying to fix something that would only exhaust me. Love won’t heal me. Daivynn can’t heal me. Her love won’t save me. I just need myself... to save me. To be my own home. To be my safe place. I know I don’t need someone right now. I don’t need someone to save me because I only need myself to do that. I am worth saving..

But I can't help it to think of so many what if's.

"Pero...kung sana nalaman ko lang, hindi sana nangyari 'yon. Kung naging honest lang si Daivynn.."

"Stopping blaming yourself. Hindi niyo kontolado ang isip ng ibang tao. Hindi ninyo alam ang plano nila. Hindi niyo kasalanang naging unfair sainyo ang mundo.."

I wipe my tears dahil hindi ko na namang kayang pigilan ang luha ko. Hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa rin ako... gusto kong tumigil na pero hindi ko alam kung paano. Hindi ko rin alam saan ako magsisimula.

I chuckles while wiping my tears.

"Parang dati ang saya-saya ko pa. The way how my heart flutters when I fell in love with Solene. The excitements, the secret dates and so on. Then things happen between us. Then, I met Daivynn...the thrills, the tension, the tease, and the intense love. Si Zep.. the comfort she brings, the calm love, the way she holds my heart in the most gentle way. Kung gaano ako ka energetic sa mga gusto ko. Full of dreams. Ang dami kong gustong i-explore. Parang gusto kong bumalik sa dati...pero parang hindi ko na kaya. Parang nagbago na ako. Binago ako ng sakit."

Ganito pala umibig...pero hindi lang naman dahil sa love life kaya ako nagbago. Yong problema ko sa pamilya ko. Nong nawala si Daddy Lo. Nong divorce ng parents ko. Kung paano ko sinalo lahat ng problema at pilit lumaban.

"Baka hindi mo na maibabalik ang dating ikaw. Dahil baka iyon talaga ang rason. To never be the person you once were. And it's okay to change because that means you're learning and you're growing. Maybe the universe wanted you to meet them, to give you lessons, to challenge you, to prove you that you're capable of loving someone so deeply and pure. Because truthfully, we never meet them by accident."

Mommy smiled at me and hold my hand.

"You will never lose what is meant for you because the right person will always stay and choose you, just as much as you choose them."

Her words are like a soft embrace, reaching into the deepest, most vulnerable parts of me. Reminding me that no matter how hard life gets, I am loved beyond measure. The tears come not from sadness but from the overwhelming comfort of being truly understood and cared for—proof that someone sees my struggles and still believes in me, fully and unconditionally.

Tumayo si Mommy at niyakap ako kaya mas lalo akong naiyak. Mas lalo akong naging mahina.

"Let go and accept the fact that someone wasn't our person but doesn't mean we should forget them or hate them. Kailangan lang nating tanggapin na they are part of our growing. Lessons that transform us into the best version of ourselves remind us that we deserve more, better than what we often believe. Ibig sabihin mas maganda pa 'yong naghihintay saatin sa future."

And Mom was right. We won't always end up with those we feel something deep and meaningful with.

"Release what burdens your soul. You bear it with strength, but that doesn’t mean it’s yours to carry." Mom kissed my head, comforting me.

Some chapters end quickly, like Solene and me. Other chapters end in the middle of the page, like Daivynn and me, and even near the end of the last page, like Zep and me.

I hope when I am ready to love again, when I am ready to start another chapters of my life, I don't want to look for the same kind of love I experienced, kind of love I recognized. I do not want to seek familiarity and keep searching for my past in my future. Because two loves will never be the same again.

___________________________

Paalala: Sometimes, love doesnt win. Kahit ibigay mo na lahat, kahit anong laban pa kung hindi para sayo, hindi para sayo and you have to accept that. Maybe there is something better waiting for you in the next page, next door, next road, or next life (HAHAHAHAHAHHA)

Kung iniwan ka ng walang paalam don't ask or wait for closure because truthfully, you don't need that. It won't change anything. It still hurt. It just hurt differently. But I hope you won’t define yourself by their inability to love and choose you. I hope you won’t abandon yourself the way they did.

You don't need anyone to heal from something; you only need yourself.

—TheChantrea