To The Old You

Introduction

It has always been a difficulty to accept reality. As well-beings we clench on to things and we get intertwined in what 'could've been' and 'what it really was'. The mind is whispering 'it is done', yet the heart is shouting 'hold on'. It is common to prolong this line of faultlessness, but to inhale and grasp what is real is probably one of the biggest hardships that anyone has to face. That's why I haven't moved on, it is why I still want you. I'm stuck under this mindset that teaches us to fight for someone or something that will not fight for us back. It runs in our bodily temples, it compresses our strength and ability to move on. If only we could let go as fast as we got attached then maybe our lives could be more of a fulfilling journey as opposed to a destructive path ripping the hearts out of our bodies and making us weak.
Unfortunately I haven't made it that far. The story, our story, our history, our undying love that...died...is on replay in my head. Every day. Every night. The truth is, I miss you. I ask myself why is that so hard to say.
My methods of letting you go have failed me. I tried not texting you, but then you texted me. I tried ignoring you, that's when you started paying attention to me. I tried blocking you, but even while blocked I find myself going through your accounts. I tried forcing myself to forget, but I stopped because I don't want to forget you.
I'm struggling to let you go. I feel like letting you go, for me, isn't an option. You're so used to being dropped like you're nothing. I want to be the one that shows you how it feels to be priceless up to no one's ever told you.
I'm uncertain about the future because I know I'll see you. I know that we'll lock eyes and I'll be reminded of everything we had before you threw it away.
I remember telling you that I wasn't into dating, that my mind was somewhere far off, a place where many haven't gone. Yet I opened up to you and you opened up to me. I thought what we had was real. I thought what we had was so true. There were so many things that I wanted to say, and so many things that I wanted to show you. I just never got the chance, I guess I'll never get the chance to show you.
Though, I haven't completely let you go, simply because I want you Julian. I think about you, day in and day out. If there was anything that I could have in this world it'd be you. Now usually I'd say something like happiness, but I realized that that's exactly what you are. You make me happy, you make me feel something indescribably different and for that I say you are my happiness. Don't get me wrong, I've been in this kind of situation before so I'm not trying to cover up the fact that this all may just be a little crush that blows over in time. So believe me when I say, my words are just as truthful and as loyal as my heart, and neither will never disown you. It may be hard for you to trust, or you may just be scared to do so, but I want you to know that I would never intentionally hurt you, in fact my intentions are only aimed towards positivity.
You see love is something that comes to you up out of the blue. You don't know where it came from and you certainly didn't see it coming. When you came, I wasn't searching for you, I wasn't waiting, yet you showed up and being me I was anxious to open that door and welcome you in. I wouldn't consider myself crazy or a fool, what we had wasn't fake, and when we were together it was like everyone had went away, you and I were always in our own little place. I loved when we spoke in code, we did that almost everyday. You'd always make me smile and I really liked doing it just to see the look on your face. It made me feel like my smile was greatest thing you'd seen all day.
Right now love is taking its toll on me, and I honestly I didn't think that this could ever happen to me, I'm stuck in a land full of love and disgrace.