I've been going crazy the past couple of months. My moments I have where I'm
Absolutely fine are one thing but then the moments where I'm at such a low I wish myself dead are another.
Here a few days ago I was cleaning my room, fine and dandy with no problems at all and then I found myself opening a plastic garbage bag, looking inside of it and thinking to myself, "I could so easily kill myself with this right now." And I really thought about it. I didn't attempt or even have a second thought but just blank stares into the garbage bag for what seemed like five minutes straight.
It's scary to think I can be happy and normal all of the sudden and not even be sad and then just have that want and voice inside my head telling me I could kill myself with something. After I stared at the garbage bag for a short while I then started crying. Ugly crying. Thinking to myself, what the Hell is wrong with me? I can't do this. What would happen? Why would I think that? And it's just so frustrating because I thought I was over all this and yet it comes back.
The confusion that has been driven upon me lately is driving me bonkers. I'm confused over a stupid boy situation I should have gotten myself out of a long time ago and then again I'm confused about this whole contemplating suicide thing. It's crazy! I don't want to die but it will always be in the back of my mind, I guess. Slowly creeping up time after time. I just hope it doesn't take over one of these days, Lord knows what people would say. I don't want to die, it's just like... Knowing the option was there gave me some kind of satisfaction in case I'd ever need it.
Don't get me wrong, I DONT want to kill myself. I just don't know what got into me. I don't want the darkness in my mind to take over. I'm getting help from a therapist and I thought it would help but it's like she brings back all these thoughts I got rid of and they're resurfacing. It's crazy! I don't want to tell her about this or she'll tell my mom and I'll get sent away or some shit. I don't know, I'm just so confused... I need help. I've got help but it's like I need help from myself, or at least someone who understands.
Sorry for putting my worries out there to any of you I just don't know what to do or why I'm having these thoughts. I'm
Scared and don't know anything anymore. But I am sorry I'm bugging you with all this. I love you all and have a nice day.
YOU ARE READING
Poetry for the Lonely
PoesíaDifferent poems I've wrote at different hard times in my life. These situations will be relatable to you if you've ever had a heartbreak or lost a best friend or just simply felt like you're losing everyone around you and don't know why.. Including...
