Title credit: mayday parade
Trigger warning: there's nothing graphic in this story but theres mentions of self harm and self hate, and theres hints of abuse, sexual assault and suicide. Please please PLEASE do not read if you're sensitive about these subjects or if they'll trigger you bc I don't want that to happen I want you all to be safe and happy. Thanks.
I was a people watcher; there was no doubt about that. I noticed things about people in the school that most people wouldn't, because they were too busy or simply didn't care, but I cared. I was always looking for behavioral changes and traces of sadness, as that's how Tom brought me up to be. He brought me up to be like him. He brought me up to notice what people like to hide.
So I noticed things about people and it was really interesting. No one really paid much attention to me so I got away with staring at people without others noticing; I guess you could say they were the perks of being a wallflower. I knew what signs I was looking for, I'd seen them in people I was close to before; I'd seen them in Tom and I'd seen them in myself and it breaks my heart when I see them in anyone else, because I'd do nothing about it and I knew it. It was all well and good noticing when someone is struggling to take breaths to stay alive, but if I couldn't go and talk to them afterwards what was the point. I was caught up in a web of suffocating guilt - I really wanted to help people but I just couldn't bring myself to. That's how Tom died.
But I wasn't just looking for the telltale signs of broken people, I was looking at peoples' impressions of people and peoples' reactions to people and how people's faces lit up when they spoke about something they loved. I was looking at how people walked and talked and who were friends with who. I took into account peoples' friends and people's enemies and who they had never even spoken to before. I wasn't being weird, watching people like this, I was just curious and it intrigued me to see how people worked and interacted together. How people changed. Who noticed what.
One boy interested me to no end, his name was Jack Barakat and he was so well known in the school it was unbelievable. He wasn't a jock, he seemed to hate everything sport related that wasn't football or basketball, and so I had no idea how he'd managed to climb so high in the social ladder with no sporting talents. It was as if he'd been there since the first day of school. He was just a lanky guy with spiky hair, half of which had been bleached blonde, and a talent for playing guitar. Musical talents got you nowhere in our school.
His closest friends weren't sporty either, but they weren't as well known or liked as he was. He just seemed to be up there, talking to all the buff guys and laughing and joking with all the cheerleaders and making them blush. He was one of those really sweet, caring people that were hard to come by, trying to make everyone feel good about themselves. He even stopped the bullying while still being on everyone's good side. He literally just told one of the footballers to stop and he did. He had this influence on people and I don't know how he did it. Confidence just seemed to radiate off him.
He was funny, hilarious actually, in so many ways too. His random comments in the middle of class left everyone in stitches, even the teachers sometimes, and so they always had a soft spot for him. His impressions of people were so funny, he could impersonate someone so well yet his French accent was appalling and no one understood how that worked but that was just how he was. He would skip down the corridors singing at the top of his lungs or he'd strike a violent or overdramatic pose or pull a face that got everyone breaking down into fits of giggles. He had no shame.
His eyes were bright too, brighter than most. He seemed to be an innocent kid who thought the world was full of cute old women and chocolate, but if you looked closer you could see pain and that had been masked well behind the smiles and the jokes and the overly hyper nature. It was very hard to tell with Jack, but I could tell and I saw it. So I kept looking closer.
