Chasing The Sun [ON HOLD]

12:00 pm

The B-I-B-L-E
Yes, that's the book for me
I stand alone on the Word of God
The B-I-B-L-E

I move my lips in time with the forty-something voices surrounding me in this excessively air-conditioned Jesus Mobile, desperately hoping that no one realizes that there's one voice missing.

The B-I-B-L-E? K-I-L-L-M-E.

Careful not to fall out of synch, I reach down into my backpack and pull out my speech. The Jesus Mobile and I are headed to Hope and Harmony Children's Home to, as Lorelai our youth director put it, "bring 'em some Jesus." Hence the Jesus Mobile.

Someone thought it would be a good idea to have me lead the program for tonight, and to talk about how being a god-loving-slash-fearing Christian has made my life so great. If I had to guess, I'd say it was the same person who insisted on writing my speech for me and who penned in all capital letters at the top of the paper, DO NOT DEVIATE. The same person who I know regularly uses the word "deviate," as in, "you cannot deviate from God's plan," in his sermons- my father.

Reading over what he wrote for me makes me consider popping open the window and tossing the pages into the wind. It's basically a list of warnings with a line or two of scripture thrown in to remind everyone why they're there.

I barely make it halfway down the first page before I have to stuff it back into my backpack. I don't want to think about tonight, I just want to focus on the road and the cities and the people passing by outside the window. But before I can even sit up, I feel the sharp jab of a fake nail in my shoulder. Crap. I stopped pretending to sing. I look up and see Lorelai leaning over the empty bus seat next to me, her face inches from mine.

"Something wrong dear?" she says, and she smiles so widely that some of her pink lipstick rubs onto her teeth.

"No! I was just looking over my speech for tonight," I say.

"Oh, don't worry about that dear. I know you'll be marvelous- it's in your blood!" She grips my arm again and her nails bite into me before she pulls away.

As soon as she's gone I slump back into my seat and let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. Talking to Lorelai is like staring into the sun. And why did she have to mention my dad, as if that would make me feel better? Reminding me whose shadow I'm standing in isn't comforting.

I turn to the window and watch as the land begins to swell into hills and the grass turns from brown to green. The singing persists, but I don't bother to pretend. All I can think about is how weird it is to see all these towns that I've heard about but never been to whizzing past us, filled with all those people who I'll never meet just living their lives, and I feel very, very small.