No cover photo.
No description.
No real chapter title.
No decoration whatsoever. This is for me. No one else. I write to release. And I publish because it's easier to read my things when they're published.
I don't care for votes or comments. So please don't give them to me.
I have this thing I do when things start to go wrong... Well, I write. I write poems, stories, songs, whatever. But, lately, I haven't been able to write a thing. I'm under the impression that the access to Wifi has me too lazy to bother, but it's a little bit more serious than that. I just can't write.
I know what I want to write. But I can't find the words. I just feel so much anger. So much hate.
I don't know whom I'm addressing.
I had to put that whole Buddhism thing on hold. I decided to pursue that at 18, when I can finally leave home. When I get out of this atmosphere, I'll have no choice. No choice but to embrace the peacefulness of Buddhism.
However, that's in the future. Right now, I'm here.
I can only describe living as bleeding. We bleed. We can retain nothing, it seeps out through our pores as we breathe. No need for a wound.
Friend or foe? Foe. Friends are foes. What we do with our friends, what we do is trust them with our secrets. We allow to them to accumulate information about us. And we trust them not to cause us any harm with the trust we've given them. Fuck that.
Every body is a separate body from yourself. What a person doesn't say, they still think. I can't stop your thoughts. I don't have a leash on your mind. You can do what you want. Therefore making you a potential foe.
As usual, there is no structure to my thoughts.
Ah, a thought just popped into my mind. I disgust myself. I know why. And I know that somebody somewhere will read this, so I'm not willing to divulge that information. Not just yet, anyway.
What is it, K?
It is:
•I fell in love with a somewhat callous and aloof fool that means the world to me. That overwhelming wave of love comes and goes, as my affections always do. That person is probably aware of this, as I don't underestimate his intelligence (in social aspects as well as academic). But he doesn't care. I don't expect him to. I hope he doesn't. We'll remain apathetic towards issues in relation to one another, as we do.
•I could potentially fall for another person who claims to love me. However, I believe that this is just a crush, and they'll get over it. If they don't, I'm going to have to rip off the bandage. It'll never happen. I care for them. I won't ruin them. And I won't have them ruin me.
•I hate my mother. I used to wish that I could hate her - I got my wish, didn't I. Much to my bitter amusement.
•I miss my father. And how the fuck is that. How the fuck do you miss something you never had. If I find him, I will hospitalize him. Every physical chastisement I received from my mother will be delivered unto him. He was such a pussy...
•My mistake from earlier on this year is haunting me. How will I ever love myself now.
I've become so cold. I'm trained to laugh without feeling, to cry silently, to speak in a light and carefree voice. I am a liar. I am never okay. I just know how to separate myself from the person I've become. Although, to me, they overlap sometimes. Sometimes I lie to myself. Sometimes I laugh happily while I'm alone, even though I'm breaking.
I want to die. But I don't want my little siblings to find my hanging body. And I'm still curious about what's going to happen next. The moment I am able to predict the next event, I will kill myself. There's no point reading the end of the story if you know exactly what will happen.
If someone were to contradict me on that, I'd simply laugh.
I have plans. Quite optimistic plans, really. Plans that I will execute in the nearby future. Pardon my ambiguity - I don't care to explain.
I'm finished here for now.
