No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Too Many Thoughts

Dan ~

I stand there, my heart thumping heavy in my chest as I pant, trying to catch my breath back. My forehead rests on Phil's and his eyes are cast downwards and mine devour his. Those eyes. Eyes that have both haunted, chased and tormented me for so long and now and I am staring right in them. I take a deep breath and exhale out of my nose, it must of tickled Phil's nose because he twitches his nose and looks up, meeting my eyes. My breath hitches again. So many questions and emotions are running through my mind. I try to process all of them but I just get lost in his eyes again.

My cheeks are still coated red from my little outburst. He.. He's awake?! All this time I have been telling myself, forcing myself to believe that he was going to wake up, all the time knowing that the longer he stayed like that the harder it would be to wake up. I had given up so many times. Lost all sense of life and direction, just lost.

But now with my forehead resting on Phil's I finally feel content. I don't want to move. Those eyes, I would never get tired of looking at them. There is something about them though. Something new, something I haven't seen in him before.

Innocence.

It is then that I am able to snap back into reality, I quickly pull away embarrassment taking control. The light of the bedside lamp illuminates only a small area of the room and gives it a mellow vibe. I reach up and pull at my hair. Everything slamming into me at once. All the mistakes I've made, all the bad things I've done, Phil waking up, the hospital, my parents, the pain. I blindly stagger away from Phil's bed hitting my leg on the corner of the bed and wince, my hands still caught in my hair. Everything is just so..overwhelming. I wish I could just rewind time. Go back to 5 seconds ago when I felt content, go back to the night he.. he hurt himself, go back to the day that I took him to the hospital, go back to the second that I decided to throw that football, none of this would of happened.

I take a deep breath and swallow. Phil watches me, curious. His expression changes when he notices mine. “What's wrong?” he asks.

“P-Phil,” I look down and take a deep breath. “Do you even know who I am?”

Phil looks at me and I can tell he's noticed my shaking. “You're Dan.”

My head shoots up, but I then notice the slight confusion in his eyes. He knows I'm Dan, but wait what, how does he know?

“Phil what happened? How are you awake and how do you know my name. The doctors said that you probably wouldn't wake up. Then you woke up and then... and then you didn't know who I was. Then I thought it was a dream and I was.... Phil I...” I ramble and then my words become slow and pained. “ I was going to kill myself.” I whisper. Phil looks shocked and extremely confused. “Phil?”

“I.. I don't know. One minute I was lying in a hospital bed and it was dark and I could move and I was scared. Then I saw you and you were trying to leave. And then we spoke but I didn't remember you and then I went to sleep. And then I don't know!?” I tell him to calm down and take a deep breath.

“Ok, so what's the last thing you remember?” I stutter.

“I uh..” he rubs his head and whimpers. I take a step forward and examine his head, I lean down and press a light kiss to both of his temples and he breathes in heavily, his eyes closed. I have no idea what just took control of me but I lift Phil's arm and take a seat next to him, grasping his hand very tightly. He looks up at me and I know he's trying. I decide to try a different question.

“Phil?” I whisper. He looks up, tying to hide the fact that he is glad I am asking him something else. He nods. “You said.. you said you love me.” He blushes and looks down giving me a small nod. “Phil.. I uh... how do you even remember me? You shouldn't even be awake.”

He looks up at me and I just cant breathe. He is so beautiful he is literally breathtaking. His hair is still dark and disheveled, skin pale and his eyes still have a distant look to them but he's here, he's awake, and that's all that I need.

For now anyway.